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Wednesday, December 29, 2004

today has been a very fruitful day. i woke up and instead of busying myself with chores and distractions, i read the bible. Last night, my dreams were filled with so many mysterious and some horrendous episodes that when i finally decided to wake up, i was rather desperate for some peace of mind. And what glorious good it did for me!

All of that is written in my personal diary. I'm about to finish my beige ordning&reda journal after a spell of three years. It's the longest time that i have ever taken to complete an entire journal. And most fittingly, it's about to be completed as i'm at about to enter into an entirely different ballgame in my life - marriage.

Well, i went to kinokuniya at taka this evening too. Browsing the shelves to see what i can spend my xmas vouchers on. In the end, I bought one hundred years of solitude, the invisible man, a book on gaugin's paintings and a xanth book for my dear. But the greatest find, next to the one i made early in the morning in the bible, was this pictorial book called neontigers. My soul sat up and exclaimed at the sight of the photos. They were shoots of neon lights in various cities. Capturing different architectural structures like bridges, expressways, train tracks, buildings etc., they displayed an almost kinetic energy of urban lighting that strangely created heartachingly soulful pockets of spaces in an otherwise frenatic and chaotic environment where men are compelled to eke out a neverending, breathless and formless existence. They were pictures, that i've always wanted to capture in my own camera lens, representing not just an excursion from reality but what reality truly is: when time slows down and everything in motion has a singular and beatific purpose in liberating the mind, bringing salvation to one's soul.

It never ceases to amaze me whenever i walk alone back up that long stretch of road home, the thoughts that are flung in my direction, the impressions i receive as truly blessings. At the corner of my eye, I thought i almost saw a moth flying straight out of the darkness that my back was turned to, flying right over my head and suddenly into full view. For some strange reason, my eye managed to perceive its flight patterns, seeing the zig zag patterns in almost slow motion before it once again blended with the darkness that the street lamps could not uncover.

I'm not high on anything. I know that there is not much logical sense in deciphering and predicting a moth's flight pattern and i'm not john nash. But for a moment the fear and loathing of flying insects by night, the incoherent and mad dash of the moth into the night... all these emotions faded and what replaced them was an awe and appreciation of the symmetry in movement, in the elements of light and shadows. I am awed that beauty can be found in even the most insignificant moments, utterly grateful that i can experience it once again.

Yet as i continued my walk, i realised that this beauty only makes sense in a certain paradigm of believes. For me, the path from experience, realisation and to appreciation is only a typology of the second coming. When Christ returns in all His glory, what shall we say about experience, realisation and appreciation? This mentality is for now limited and confined to such earthly things but i see it as an individual's preparation, practice and perfection for the eternally worthy things of God.

hmm hmm hmm on cloud nine i suppose? But this is so precious to me. i treasure every moment of receiving the grace for such situations to happen in my life. i am oftentimes distracted and my thoughts aren't always lucid. Even now, i struggle to express myself, wondering if the words that i've used are too vague and open-ended, if i've fallen victim to fluffy sentimentalism or worse, some bewitching mystic experience that i've over-exaggerated.

However, one thing i do know is never to give up. Yup, a pitbull, a stubborn convicted ass and finally me, i'm not giving up and i'm certainly not going to be discouraged at all.
He loves righteouness and justice;
The earth is full of the goodness of the Lord.
(Psalm33:5)

Monday, December 27, 2004

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/4125481.stm

i'm shakened by this. Never knew an earthquake of this magnitude could hit so near home. I could have been sleeping and not know, that 10m wall of water engulfing the building, the water seeping through the windows and in a second, becoming a mighty torrent crushing the panes under its pressure. i'll open my eyes too late to see the green sea sweeping in, with dead bodies, motor parts and nameless things swirling in maddening strength and intensity.

Today, there will be people who will have no bodies to mourn over. Today, there will be a great numbness that overwhelms the soul and a desperate cry will haunt the streets for human strength to overcome, as it always has. Today, I wonder at the irony that life still carries on and in bitterness, lament at the coldness of individuals' hearts where a soccer game, a much needed rest or another excuse tides them through the events of the day to the comfort of their beds.
Lord Jesus, save us
from this mortal spell
that mortifies the spirit.
Save us from our strengh,
our clever solutions,
pragmatism and ingenuity.
That we may see Your salvation
even as the floods come, and surely they will.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004


my baby nephew. went over to my sister's house to have dinner. But i knew i should not be going there. I should be going for china-alive prayer. I should be seeking the Lord. I was lazy, complacent and hungry for food. I know this may sound terrible to you but is this what it really means to "hate your father and mother" to become a disciple? I respect, love and honor them with all my heart. However, something has to give somehow. today, i realised that desiring after the purposes of God does not put you in right standing with even some of his people. I do not bear any anger to them but I have come to a point where i have quite enough of being cautious and wary of what people say about me.

I just want more of God. Not necessarily to be involved with the thousand and one things going on in church. I want to know Him, the excellent knowledge of His will, to have a relationship with Him. Anything less and I sincerely believe that I will live my life in vain. It has driven me to desperation. I confess that sometimes i get confused and abit muddle headed in my pursuit but I know where i am heading is a good place. It is so easy to give up in life. There was a time in my small number of years where i really wanted a partner who would not give up at the slightest difficulty. Well more specifically, I really wanted someone whom i can stand with and pass through all kinds of seasons with the firm knowledge and belief that he will always be there. Now this longing has turned the tables on me. I want to be that person of God who will stand fast in the will of God no matter what the circumstances dictate. I want to be that life partner to someone else and especially, to God.

Saying all this in front of anyone always makes me feel very embarassed. Firstly, they might think i'm just rambling, without any basis. Secondly, i wish to put it in better words but i can't. In all this, I write not so much that i may gain understanding and sympathy from people but I write so that the achings and longings of my heart may be temporarily lulled, providing a certain peace and stability in my life. I want so much more than all this. The blog can't contain it.  Posted by Hello

Sunday, December 19, 2004


rosemary chicken with raspberry. yum yum yum.. i am so sleepy but rather preppy. yum yum yum... Posted by Hello


ooops again. they *are* all in the same post. haha. well more pics. huiwen and bee. And then one last picture.. gooood nights! Posted by Hello


oh no. can't this thing send more than one photos in a single post?! so blurr.. so sleepy.. this is my good friend ah bee at cedele bakery bishan junction eight.  Posted by Hello


oopsy. this pic should have been in the same post as the below one. Well, i'm learning how to use hello software. very convenient piece of coding as it enables you to post photos on blog without downloading to an external server. err... anyway this is dad with the restaurant's menu.. oh boy, i am feeling really ratty.. sleep bug getting to me very soon.. Posted by Hello


mum at crystal jade la mian suntec city. "give me more!" yum yum. The xiao long bao and sauteed eels were excellent. Posted by Hello

Saturday, December 18, 2004

From "Devotions upon Emergent Occasions" (1623), XVII: Nunc Lento Sonitu Dicunt, Morieris - "Now, this bell tolling softly for another, says to me: Thou must die."

PERCHANCE he for whom this bell tolls may be so ill, as that he knows not it tolls for him; and perchance I may think myself so much better than I am, as that they who are about me, and see my state, may have caused it to toll for me, and I know not that.

The church is Catholic, universal, so are all her actions; all that she does belongs to all.

When she baptizes a child, that action concerns me; for that child is thereby connected to that body which is my head too, and ingrafted into that body whereof I am a member.

And when she buries a man, that action concerns me: all mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated; God employs several translators; some pieces are translated by age, some by sickness, some by war, some by justice; but God's hand is in every translation, and his hand shall bind up all our scattered leaves again for that library where every book shall lie open to one another.

As therefore the bell that rings to a sermon calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come, so this bell calls us all; but how much more me, who am brought so near the door by this sickness.
There was a contention as far as a suit (in which both piety and dignity, religion and estimation, were mingled), which of the religious orders should ring to prayers first in the morning; and it was determined, that they should ring first that rose earliest.

If we understand aright the dignity of this bell that tolls for our evening prayer, we would be glad to make it ours by rising early, in that application, that it might be ours as well as his, whose indeed it is.

The bell doth toll for him that thinks it doth; and though it intermit again, yet from that minute that this occasion wrought upon him, he is united to God.
Who casts not up his eye to the sun when it rises? but who takes off his eye from a comet when that breaks out? Who bends not his ear to any bell which upon any occasion rings? but who can remove it from that bell which is passing a piece of himself out of this world? No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.

If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were: any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.

Neither can we call this a begging of misery, or a borrowing of misery, as though we were not miserable enough of ourselves, but must fetch in more from the next house, in taking upon us the misery of our neighbours.

Truly it were an excusable covetousness if we did, for affliction is a treasure, and scarce any man hath enough of it.

No man hath affliction enough that is not matured and ripened by it, and made fit for God by that affliction.

If a man carry treasure in bullion, or in a wedge of gold, and have none coined into current money, his treasure will not defray him as he travels.

Tribulation is treasure in the nature of it, but it is not current money in the use of it, except we get nearer and nearer our home, heaven, by it.

Another man may be sick too, and sick to death, and this affliction may lie in his bowels, as gold in a mine, and be of no use to him; but this bell, that tells me of his affliction, digs out and applies that gold to me: if by this consideration of another's danger I take mine own into contemplation, and so secure myself, by making my recourse to my God, who is our only security.

Friday, December 17, 2004



on the bus then, 15th december wednesday, to church to prepare the tertiary outreach. It was wonderously executed. 40+ people came and there were 20+ new people. We were expecting only 30+ people. But i know, that my God is greater than this, and the hope of His glory fills my heart. Looking at the shot, a brain wave suddenly hit me and I began to wonder what transportation in other parts of the world looks like. I actually liked the cramp compartments of the hongkong trams.
I believe that i've reached a point where i don't think i can take on any more responsibilities from church. The stress is getting to me. I badly need a break to be me, to find the true and living God again. I still want to write...badly. Not out of compulsion or duty but out of the abundance that is in my life, and even more gloriously, what God is doing in my life. I think i'm a little crazy like that. Even at my wedding, i'm thinking more of my friends and family coming to know the Lord than the actual mechanics of the whole ceremony and function. hmm.. just crazy like that.

Anyway, presenting today's shots on my motorola e398.. the photo quality looks pretty good on my computer screen. :)



This is my good friend from my days in Anderson Junior College. In this shot, she actually looks more like me.. hmm... or am i just flattering myself? :) We had good food and conversation. I wished i could be more eloquent when i talk about God. I wished i really had the stomach to fully enjoy the tiramisu mud pie. mmm divine. And now, just one more shot..



If my friend has small eyes, i have even smaller eyes as you can see from the above picture. Hmm, wedding preparations are also quite stressful coz my parents apparently have a lot of "ideas" that they think Hannon and I should agree too. Surprisingly, Hannon's parents are going easy on us. They don't even mind the idea of having our wedding in church, even though his mum is a buddhist. I still have that dream wedding dress in my mind: that perfect cheongsum dress beaded with swarovski crystals.. But even as I am spouting my daydreams to my friend, she sighs away at the fact that nearly everyone around here is getting married. Frankly, I don't understand the sigh coz i've never been in her shoes before. Life carries on and one will always have meaning in life with or without marriage. It is sad if one does not have any purpose in life. Well, that's just a personal opinion of mine. I am simply driven crazy whenever i am faced with a purposeless future, an incomprehensible present and a confusing past. Sounds like i've been through that before? You bet..

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

hmm. blue is such a depressing colour! i have to absolutely change this backdrop and font colour. Will be attending my cousin's wedding later with my oh so fab mango jacket in tow, courtesy of hannon as a christmas gift. More trivial updates? i've finally changed my phone. no more the ton of yellow brick nokia but a motorola e398. If i've not sent you my new no., please let me know.

going off to do some reading. hopefully, the next post will be on my new layout.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

This is a precious nugget from Job's rant.

Job6:10
Then I would still have this consolation-
my joy in unrelenting pain-
that I had not denied the words of the Holy One. (Amplified)

Then should I yet have comfort; yea, I would
harden myself in sorrow: let him not spare; for I
have not concealed the words of the Holy One. (King James)

Thursday, December 09, 2004

phew. So far the events of today, thursday 9 december, have taken me on a roller coaster ride of emotions. A few highs but sadly quite a number of lows too. I still can't figure out for the life of me whether i hate being sent as a messenger from my mum to my dad, like i was a double agent manipulated by both sides, or whether the pity and the loathing is so intertwined that i can't tell the bloody difference anymore. Anyway, my mum has repeatedly shrugged off the idea of marriage counseling for herself and dad, even though she was the very person who initiated it.

For the highs, well i am snapping out of my tantrums more effectively than ever before. hmm... praying for practically the whole afternoon probably provided the much needed booster in this recent effort to clean up my act. Also, the fasting sapped all my energy to maintain my angst.

But do you know what i really want? What i really wish for? To be truly alone. I don't know if this means i want to be away from God too. But lately, i've been so pushed into a corner with the constant busyness that i feel i'm slowly losing myself. i sat beside this youth today on the bus. I don't know what possessed him but he was filling his little yellow book of blank pages with reams and reams of words and drawings. i used to be like that, except the part on writing in the bus coz i get motion sickness easily. But then, just sharing the seat with him, trying not to stare blankly at passengers and accidentally offend someone, i realised that i don't even desire to write anymore. i don't. It makes me extremely sad. I'm losing something that is part of me and you know what is a worser feeling than that? Not even being sure that this is who i want to be.

i don't have much happy news to tell but i'm not entirely depressed. I am happy with my bf and husband to be. He understands and helps me better than anyone else. I can just spend hours doing nothing purposeful with him and yet still feel significant. But who am i really on the inside and who i really want to be, where i really want to go remains blur. I not only want to know but i want to believe with conviction and pursue with a single focus.

haha. too bad i'm not an ape. i'll just be basking in the sun and scratching my ass the whole day, enjoying the simple pleasures in life.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

hmm.. don't really know how to tie up the weeks that have gone by. well, never hurts to do a good ole bullet list when all thinking fails.

1. Date 5th December Sunday
It hit me as the most ironic moment. One moment we were moved by the speaker in church about holiness and purity and the next moment right after that, at the escalator running down from the church doors, people are calling their friends to catch a movie. Now personally, I think movies are not always evil but most of the time, i admit that they do distract us from God. As in 1John2:15,
Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.
I understand movies to be a part of our culture, our world, the world that is radically different from the spirit and that the words in this verse is meant to be taken literally. That is, if I replace the word "world" for "movies", I believe that I do not stray away from the truth. However, I believe that in regards to the decision of watching a movie or not, one cannot simply impose rules on people or quickly arrive at the conclusion that watching movies is sin. But after such a message, I earnestly wanted to spend some time alone to understand what I have heard, reflect upon my life and earnestly seek the Lord to show me how to go on from here. And not rush to the next movie, the next food joint, the next item on my itinerary and catalogue the sacred into just a "moment" and relegate it into the background noise.
Simply hearing a good sermon does not save one's soul.

2. Date: currently ongoing. commenced on 14th Dec, the day i returned from bkk.
I'm also beginning to plan for my wedding next year. I would tell you the details if you're interested but not on my blog. haha, i think it's too trivial. My friends are more excited about my wedding than I am. I am truly looking forward to spending the rest of my life with hannon. But the in between preparations are so tedious! And planning is never my forte.

3. Date: Today 8th december
I've been attending a slew of church conferences the last week or so. What happened during those conferences? I am still trying to put the pieces together. There are so many thoughts running through my mind. I have also just returned from a prayer meeting with my varsity leader and another friend of mine. Nearly most of my thoughts remain quite foggy, barely an impression that ceaselessly troubles my heart and overwhelms my thinking faculties time and again. Whenever I try to sift through them and seek understanding, whether it be by articulating it to the most unsuspecting victim or in my diary, my purple pen poised above the blank pages in that moment of sudden determination, I will suddenly become awkward. And the words that I speak or write become cliche, its meaning verring left and right, whirling out of control. I wish i can say that there is a method to my madness but sadly I can't. I'm simply confused.

 

a little pilotfly is a powerful thing
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quarlo
wired fiction
motel 6
power of the
living God

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pinky's mum
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