north-american possums! work fatigue grouses; singaporean; ex-poet and writer; former convent girl; converted, convicted and painfully quiet; bibliophilic; skyscrapers; weather-talk; dining alone on sashimi; your life with Jesus; banging heads with problems; looking from afar; loving my xiongmao; peanuts & anchovies; battlestar galatica; novella dreams and paranoai: holding onto you.

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Wednesday, December 29, 2004

today has been a very fruitful day. i woke up and instead of busying myself with chores and distractions, i read the bible. Last night, my dreams were filled with so many mysterious and some horrendous episodes that when i finally decided to wake up, i was rather desperate for some peace of mind. And what glorious good it did for me!

All of that is written in my personal diary. I'm about to finish my beige ordning&reda journal after a spell of three years. It's the longest time that i have ever taken to complete an entire journal. And most fittingly, it's about to be completed as i'm at about to enter into an entirely different ballgame in my life - marriage.

Well, i went to kinokuniya at taka this evening too. Browsing the shelves to see what i can spend my xmas vouchers on. In the end, I bought one hundred years of solitude, the invisible man, a book on gaugin's paintings and a xanth book for my dear. But the greatest find, next to the one i made early in the morning in the bible, was this pictorial book called neontigers. My soul sat up and exclaimed at the sight of the photos. They were shoots of neon lights in various cities. Capturing different architectural structures like bridges, expressways, train tracks, buildings etc., they displayed an almost kinetic energy of urban lighting that strangely created heartachingly soulful pockets of spaces in an otherwise frenatic and chaotic environment where men are compelled to eke out a neverending, breathless and formless existence. They were pictures, that i've always wanted to capture in my own camera lens, representing not just an excursion from reality but what reality truly is: when time slows down and everything in motion has a singular and beatific purpose in liberating the mind, bringing salvation to one's soul.

It never ceases to amaze me whenever i walk alone back up that long stretch of road home, the thoughts that are flung in my direction, the impressions i receive as truly blessings. At the corner of my eye, I thought i almost saw a moth flying straight out of the darkness that my back was turned to, flying right over my head and suddenly into full view. For some strange reason, my eye managed to perceive its flight patterns, seeing the zig zag patterns in almost slow motion before it once again blended with the darkness that the street lamps could not uncover.

I'm not high on anything. I know that there is not much logical sense in deciphering and predicting a moth's flight pattern and i'm not john nash. But for a moment the fear and loathing of flying insects by night, the incoherent and mad dash of the moth into the night... all these emotions faded and what replaced them was an awe and appreciation of the symmetry in movement, in the elements of light and shadows. I am awed that beauty can be found in even the most insignificant moments, utterly grateful that i can experience it once again.

Yet as i continued my walk, i realised that this beauty only makes sense in a certain paradigm of believes. For me, the path from experience, realisation and to appreciation is only a typology of the second coming. When Christ returns in all His glory, what shall we say about experience, realisation and appreciation? This mentality is for now limited and confined to such earthly things but i see it as an individual's preparation, practice and perfection for the eternally worthy things of God.

hmm hmm hmm on cloud nine i suppose? But this is so precious to me. i treasure every moment of receiving the grace for such situations to happen in my life. i am oftentimes distracted and my thoughts aren't always lucid. Even now, i struggle to express myself, wondering if the words that i've used are too vague and open-ended, if i've fallen victim to fluffy sentimentalism or worse, some bewitching mystic experience that i've over-exaggerated.

However, one thing i do know is never to give up. Yup, a pitbull, a stubborn convicted ass and finally me, i'm not giving up and i'm certainly not going to be discouraged at all.
He loves righteouness and justice;
The earth is full of the goodness of the Lord. (Psalm33:5)

posted by happyhannon at 10:41 PM