north-american possums! work fatigue grouses; singaporean; ex-poet and writer; former convent girl; converted, convicted and painfully quiet; bibliophilic; skyscrapers; weather-talk; dining alone on sashimi; your life with Jesus; banging heads with problems; looking from afar; loving my xiongmao; peanuts & anchovies; battlestar galatica; novella dreams and paranoai: holding onto you.

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Thursday, December 09, 2004

phew. So far the events of today, thursday 9 december, have taken me on a roller coaster ride of emotions. A few highs but sadly quite a number of lows too. I still can't figure out for the life of me whether i hate being sent as a messenger from my mum to my dad, like i was a double agent manipulated by both sides, or whether the pity and the loathing is so intertwined that i can't tell the bloody difference anymore. Anyway, my mum has repeatedly shrugged off the idea of marriage counseling for herself and dad, even though she was the very person who initiated it.

For the highs, well i am snapping out of my tantrums more effectively than ever before. hmm... praying for practically the whole afternoon probably provided the much needed booster in this recent effort to clean up my act. Also, the fasting sapped all my energy to maintain my angst.

But do you know what i really want? What i really wish for? To be truly alone. I don't know if this means i want to be away from God too. But lately, i've been so pushed into a corner with the constant busyness that i feel i'm slowly losing myself. i sat beside this youth today on the bus. I don't know what possessed him but he was filling his little yellow book of blank pages with reams and reams of words and drawings. i used to be like that, except the part on writing in the bus coz i get motion sickness easily. But then, just sharing the seat with him, trying not to stare blankly at passengers and accidentally offend someone, i realised that i don't even desire to write anymore. i don't. It makes me extremely sad. I'm losing something that is part of me and you know what is a worser feeling than that? Not even being sure that this is who i want to be.

i don't have much happy news to tell but i'm not entirely depressed. I am happy with my bf and husband to be. He understands and helps me better than anyone else. I can just spend hours doing nothing purposeful with him and yet still feel significant. But who am i really on the inside and who i really want to be, where i really want to go remains blur. I not only want to know but i want to believe with conviction and pursue with a single focus.

haha. too bad i'm not an ape. i'll just be basking in the sun and scratching my ass the whole day, enjoying the simple pleasures in life.

posted by happyhannon at 9:54 PM