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Tuesday, December 21, 2004

my baby nephew. went over to my sister's house to have dinner. But i knew i should not be going there. I should be going for china-alive prayer. I should be seeking the Lord. I was lazy, complacent and hungry for food. I know this may sound terrible to you but is this what it really means to "hate your father and mother" to become a disciple? I respect, love and honor them with all my heart. However, something has to give somehow. today, i realised that desiring after the purposes of God does not put you in right standing with even some of his people. I do not bear any anger to them but I have come to a point where i have quite enough of being cautious and wary of what people say about me.

I just want more of God. Not necessarily to be involved with the thousand and one things going on in church. I want to know Him, the excellent knowledge of His will, to have a relationship with Him. Anything less and I sincerely believe that I will live my life in vain. It has driven me to desperation. I confess that sometimes i get confused and abit muddle headed in my pursuit but I know where i am heading is a good place. It is so easy to give up in life. There was a time in my small number of years where i really wanted a partner who would not give up at the slightest difficulty. Well more specifically, I really wanted someone whom i can stand with and pass through all kinds of seasons with the firm knowledge and belief that he will always be there. Now this longing has turned the tables on me. I want to be that person of God who will stand fast in the will of God no matter what the circumstances dictate. I want to be that life partner to someone else and especially, to God.

Saying all this in front of anyone always makes me feel very embarassed. Firstly, they might think i'm just rambling, without any basis. Secondly, i wish to put it in better words but i can't. In all this, I write not so much that i may gain understanding and sympathy from people but I write so that the achings and longings of my heart may be temporarily lulled, providing a certain peace and stability in my life. I want so much more than all this. The blog can't contain it.  

posted by happyhannon at 11:18 PM