krunchypeanuts

Wednesday, July 31, 2002

Psalm 31:1-5
In you, O Lord, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
deliver me in your righteousness.
Turn your ear to me
come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
a strong fortress to save me.
Since you are my rock and my
fortress,
for the sake of your name lead and
guide me.
Free me from the trap that is set for
me,
for you are my refuge.
Into your hands I commit my spirit;
redeem me, O Lord, the God of
truth.

...

Psalm31:21-24
Praise be to the Lord,
for he showed his wonderful love to
me
when I was in a besieged city.
In my alarm I said,
"I am cut off from your sight!"
Yet you heard my cry for mercy
when I called to you for help.
Love the Lord, all his saints!
The Lord preserves the faithful.
but the proud he pays back in full.
Be strong and take heart,
all you who hope in the Lord.

Although i'm happy that my sins are forgiven and forgotten by my Lord, yet i've not even come near to the point where i can say the above lines from my heart, because i still think that there's a barrier between you and me God. It makes me sad. It makes me want to get up and run. It stirs me no doubt but where am I really going... when i lay my head on my pillow, and sleep away the hours, when i finally wake up... where am i headed for? What am I really doing instead?

posted by happyhannon at 12:49 AM 0 comments

Monday, July 29, 2002

it was blissfully raining when i was about to set out to school. these are the kind of days that make me dread the return to the daily grind of school life. but when i arrived, met familiar faces and knew new ones, it sorta lifted up my spirits. :) it feels nice to come out of my hermit shell finally.

now i'm wishing it will rain again. i really want to watch friends today... what i tink about joey and rachel falling in love?... totally mind-boggling and double-trouble bubbly fun. snigs.
but before there's any such fun, i have to get through my first day homework. wah, tt's crazy right? yeah my syntax teacher says stress is good and i'm only going through this because of all reasons... understanding syntax will help me learn and know more about spanish. so...

in the mean time, there's all this nitty gritty details to go through and a stinging/irritable sensation my right eye is experiencing right now. God, not conjunctivitis...

posted by happyhannon at 9:18 PM 0 comments

Sunday, July 28, 2002

this is my predicament. today when i went to the auto-teller machine, it told me that the money that my mum has put in for my next month allowance has not come through. officially at that point in time, i had only $3.80.
i gave one buck for offering. thinking that i could call my parents later as they said they were going out for lunch. that means that i get a free lunch. zero bucks spent. i'm safe.

turns out.
i couldn't reach my parents. so i had $2.80 left.
i donated 20 cents to the guys standing by the road collecting change for charity. except my 20cents was not change to me.
i bought a $1 pastry for lunch leaving me what... crunching the numbers... $1.60 left.

just nice for a bus trip back home later, after a 2 o'clock meeting. my bf asks me how it feels like to be poor. hell. i told him. i've always been poor. just that no one really bothers to find out and i don't bother to tell anyone. and... the best part. i don't really look that poor. i'm typing this entry using the internet available in the library, that uses up my cash card. electronic cash that adds up to what..

$1.40?

it's gonna be one hell of a long day. i don't really know what i'm going to do. i have 35 min to spend. i'm in my sanctuary. the library. how ironic. that i didn't approach the church for help when i'm part of it. instead, i'm in a government building where the safe anonimity comforts me. if i approach the church, i feel embarass to even admit i'm poor. i feel embarass to say that my church friend owes me $8 i think.. the supposedly most liberating place on earth, the place where people are supposed to help the poor, look out for each other, for the outcast...

hmm.. then again, if i only opened my mouth to my "friend" and asked to borrow some cash for lunch, perhaps i won't be in this predicament. but the problem is... i know only many people in church, quite superficially. to me, that disqualifies me from asking them something as personal as money. i don't know. i'm just some freak here that my sister says i am.

posted by happyhannon at 1:19 PM 0 comments

Thursday, July 25, 2002

ok i'm waking up to my senses alittle. doing other people's resumes not only suck but it's simply insanely irrational. i might as well get hired by those pple who actually call my dear up. i don't know why i do this. i don't understand love, if this is supposed to be love. anyways,

my parents are leaving for europe on a 1 month holiday, which essentially, gives me also 1 whole month of zero parental control. yeah "yippee". i know you can't believe that i sound only this much of enthusiasm. frankly, i'm sick of my parents suspecting me of running amok, throwing crazy parties, getting laid by my bf every second of the day. i thot i might earn a little of their respect after all these years but ... since my dad cheated on my mum, everything's been turned upside down and no one can really trust anyone in this family. my dad even suspected me of doing something sneaky behind their backs, everytime i say i've got church stuff...
it's revolting. and i've had it up to here.

respect is hardly ever earned. it's just an inward believe of oneself and of others. my cynicism hates my idealism but i don't really care. all i really think i need right now is just a little bit more sleep. and perhaps, a good massage for my back... :)

posted by happyhannon at 11:30 PM 0 comments

listening to pat methany now. "beyond the missouri sky". it's just the guitar and the bass playing throughout the album. perfect for a long night such as this. i'm helping my bf to do some of his resumes and stuff. he treated me to crystal jade the other day so i've got no excuse... and i can say that i'm not complaining at all for once. :)

at least when i do his resumes, i get to have also some time out for myself, to think over what has happened during the day. Like the books i've read, the prayer meeting i just had. at times i can get quite carried away by the moment, so now is a perfect time to let everything sink into my lil brain.

i haven't heard this album in a long time. and it's getting better with each song. i just love the way the bass and the guitar harmonise with each other. and when the bass sings, oh.. it always sings in this album. very amazing. deeper respect for bassists now. i'm also always amazed how people can arrange such superb stuff with so little things to work with. am i easily amazed you might ask.. yes..
kind of. :)

i wonder if there's such thing as a singapore sky. can one get sentimental about a skyline here or any place for the matter? what is so special about the colour of the sky and the way clouds look? sometimes, i sit out in my kitchen with the lights off, and watch the lights of buildings coming from a distance, reflecting upon the reservoir. i've got a good view of the reservoir in Khatib from my house. let's hope things stay this way or.. get even better aye.

posted by happyhannon at 12:32 AM 0 comments

Tuesday, July 23, 2002

well my friend ever said this of me once that my weakness is i'm too emotionally intense for my own good. not in those same words but something like that. this happened a month back or so and lately i've just been thinking through what he said.

i've also taken out my recorder... you know the plastic instrument that you play in primary/secondary school? it's been quite a relief and much fun to just finger it and play a few notes. i haven't for the longest time thought about making any music. i still want to do something abt my desire but i know it's just not the time yet. i'm talking about this coz not too long ago, i bought this amazing christian worship cd entitled "new season". i admit i'm still pretty hung up over it coz it's super cool to praise God in gospel,soul, latin style. i'm definately not some nigress wannabe but my heart just moves to the beat. that's as much as i can describe to you without getting too mushy over it.

and one day just after listening to the cd, i sat down and looked out of my big living room window. feeling really happy and contented inside - so much so - i felt a song was needed so i started to sing and before i knew it, unconsciously and automatically, i started praising God. It happened so suddenly that i stopped for a while to digest what i just did. i didn't resume my singing coz i was simply amazed at the words and tunes that were coming out of me... that i felt i could not duplicate it at all. it's a part of me i guess that i need to reconnect to, in order that a kind of music can flow out.

well hope that wasn't too spaced out for everyone. anyway, my neighbours get the full works of it coz i don't really hold back much of the singing. they're pretty amazing coz they haven't complained so far but i feel alittle embarass whenever i meet them. :) my neighbour on the right side of my apartment (just the next block) also has some shit that i have to put up with. the ole man smokes and the cigs smell comes in through the small ventilator window in my toilet, through the corridor where i regularly hang out in with my com, into my room. grrgrr. can my singing be compared to his smoking..

i don't really know. :)

posted by happyhannon at 4:26 PM 0 comments

Monday, July 22, 2002

today has had its usual ups and downs. despite his back pain, hannon came down to church although i told him several times not to. i just don't want him to do this because he wants to make me happy. that's not what i want, and not what God would want too. i was just doing my quiet time today and this phrase struck me.

Ezekiel24:11-13
"... Then set the empty pot on the coals
till it becomes hot and its copper
glows
so its impurities may be melted
and its deposit burned away.
It has frustrated all efforts;
its heavy deposit has not been
removed,
not even by fire."
Now your impurity is lewdness. Because I tried to cleanse you but you would not be cleansed from your impurity, you will not be clean again until my wrath against you has subsided.

God's reaction to the sheer stubborness and resistance put up by the israelites long time ago, as seen in this passage, frankly scares me. i pray that by the grace of God, i will never resist the Spirit when he wants to change me and purify me. Another thing that strikes me about this passage is also how God is so zealous for his people to be pure and holy. It's not just Him being megalomaniac but i believe that ultimately, He wants us to be close to him, to know him, to come to the point where God can call us "friend": just like Moses and God & Abraham and Him.. so on..

comments about my hair: refreshing, ugly, not too bad, waifish, short, why?, beatles, lovebeads, nice, good.

ok and just a parting note today. to encourage myself and anyone reading this.
John 16:33
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

goodnighties and sweet dreams

posted by happyhannon at 12:22 AM 0 comments

Saturday, July 20, 2002

what the bloopers....

Good thing i took a picture of how i looked like. at least today i'll try style my hair to something like that..
with or without hannon, it's such a beautifuuullll day today! yeah and i do like meeting up with my cousins coz they're pretty cool. i hope i can lay my hands on their play station. sniggs. :)

posted by happyhannon at 11:29 AM 0 comments

i'm feeling a little angry, sad, disappointed. once again, my bf can't make it to one of my family gatherings. its so annoying and irritating these incidents always seem to coincide with events of certain significance. he has a back ache and it's pretty painful and bad, so he wants to lie down and rest the whole day. i don't like one bit of this little coincidence accident shit. i'm getting pretty pissed off. and if he doesn't like it, well FINE. sue the bitch in me. just u wait and see when i too fall into mishaps now and then, at the most opportune moment and see how u blardy feel.

hmmph. and if that's not enuff. i cut my hair. i feel like one of those reindeer shaped trees. insanely regular and orderly. i think the hairstyle is not that bad but the hair stylist didn't cut it according to the picture i pointed out in the book. even the receptionist agreed with me. so spread the news abt dexter from shunji matsuo at suntec. beware girls. he's got nice shoulder length hair and u shld take it as a sign of superficiality mixed with a good measure of snobbishness. i wldn't call it snobbishnes if he actually got my hair cut right. my mum says i look like winona ryder, yeah, that's a "major consolation" for me. AARGH.. i didn't want it THAT short!!

i took a picture of myself immediately when i got back. to capture the moment where my hair with the blow-drying and hair-styling, would most probably be at its best. when i woke up today. i wanted to punch my face in the mirror. it's that bad.

still pretty upset and pissed off. :O(

posted by happyhannon at 11:05 AM 0 comments

Friday, July 19, 2002

when i woke up today the sky was a pretty blue. trotting down to my mum's work place later for raw fish porridge. i wanted to commerate yesterday's evening in an entry here but the nutzb(l)ooger ran into problems again. so here it is...
on hindsight, nah. i think i have to work on that poem.
and i've haven't the time right now.
poetry is an unneccessary burden on the backs of beasts.

posted by happyhannon at 11:33 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, July 17, 2002

I see the sacrifice You gave
I know the awesome price You paid
You went the distance
You finished strong
We were Your passion
So You gave Your all
New Season - You've won my affection

posted by happyhannon at 10:48 PM 0 comments

i had written an earlier post this morning but the blooger ran into some problems *again* and it was a pretty fascinating post, featuring a conversation between my gut and me. err.. on second thoughts..

i think this is much more saner and perhaps, more of myself, more genuine than anything. alrighty.
let's see what we have today..

my eyes and new specs. :) it looks pretty much like my old one but slightly bigger now and with pink highlights.
these past few days have been really interesting for me. i went out with this guy friend of mine and had a great time drinking coffee and looking at books, even exchanging presents *!* my bf knew that we were going out so he was pretty cool abt it.
but i just wanna say that i firmly believe that God has planned for everyone an ideal partner. i really do believe it. and i truly know that there is such a thing because, after my messy first relationship and then a fling with a jazz bassist,
i was so rock-bottom, hopeless and tired of the whole dating game, of getting hurt, that i just prayed.

"Lord. you know that i'm in a vulnerable state right now. please be merciful and don't send another potential guy near me unless he truly is the one. because i think i'm also a little desperate but i know enough now not to go out there and create opportunities by myself. so please help me. i don't want to get hurt again and i know the only way i won't get hurt again is if you just send the one who you've planned for me before i was born. the only way not to suffer another disappointment and hurt is to do your will. so dear Lord, no more miscellaneous guys till the right one you send comes along".

and so.. there was hannon.

posted by happyhannon at 10:43 PM 0 comments

Friday, July 12, 2002

which mr. men/little miss are you?
take the quiz & find out! :)
quiz made by
alrighty thenz...

i'm really really hungry and there's nothing in the fridge. i might be eating instant mee again. :( coz i oso wanna save money. last night i watched minority report with hannon and it was not tooo bad. something u must watch for the thrill and ride of it, but it doesn't leave a lasting impression on you. AI's certainly the pinnacle of speilberg. thinking of it now even gives me goosebumps. i'm waiting for that belated b-dae gift..:)

i'm happy not reading anything at the moment. i don't think i really like farewell to arms now. it's quite depressing. and i'm positively in a bouncy and happy, cheery mood right now. i'm going to get my black plastic spec! hehe. makes me look like a dork and i'll take a pic of myself ok and put it here???..

u wish. :)

posted by happyhannon at 11:21 AM 0 comments

Tuesday, July 09, 2002

aloha from the computer screen of the marine parade library. i had a royal chocolate cake and a cup of mocha whilst reading "farewell to arms". u might think that's so poser of me, well, i wished you were here with me, did that make it better? :) of course if u were around, i'll rather u be invisible. hehehehe.

see i'm so caffeinated today. i wish it will rain. the rain in spain falls mainly in the plain. some pple might think that my fair lady is a MCP movie but i find it fascinating from the linguistic point of view and, the professor was finally tamed by the woman in the end... no? i want to learn spanish and drive a car. i borrowed some books on learning spanish. and i've done absolutely nothing abt learning to drive a car. i wrote my mother a note abt genesis41:51 (i think) abt manasseh. we were talking abt it last night so i hoped it will help.

otherwise i've no plans to change the world yet. i'm only in the "i wish..." mood right now. i wonder how hitler had the idea of ruling the whole world. i guess bigotry and selfishness started all of it. so maybe.
i won't change the world.

i'll just try to get by, shaking off my jitters when i perform on stage at church on saturday. handling my nightmarish school subjects. and my parents, friends, bf. that's a handful enuff for me. and i guess that's the only world i would really want to change. my world. and ...

my perception of it??!
wah too irritatingly poser-ish this whole post is turning out... i'll just live my life and say less abt other people.
"watever and ever... Amen".

posted by happyhannon at 6:19 PM 0 comments

Monday, July 08, 2002

i'm a little tired. but once again, on those rampaging moods that linger near self-destructive capabilities but... i don't want to do that. i knw i got you jesus. it's just sometimes too over-whelming you know. my parents. the way my dad is. the way my mum hurts. i know i'm on my stacey kent drip, but sometimes the pain won't stop .. for a long time... or until i get off from this and just cry and .. pray... and it's wierd but there's peace and contentment in that. there's no other way it seems to jump off this bridge. this railway track with the train running smack into you.
so i'm jumping off now. but before i do that,
the one thing that really made me laugh today, happily and unconsciously. genuine happy you know. i do'nt know how to make this sound better.
my bf told me trust in God and that he's my source of strength at the end of the day. that everyone's got problems and he's the one that can pull us through at the end of it all.
for those you know who's my bf, what do you think?. :)

ok jumping off now. no procrastination.

posted by happyhannon at 11:46 PM 0 comments

oh yesh. i've positively bounced back to happiness. :) the blogger these few days have been giving me major headaches and discomfort. i cldn't edit any of my post when i published it (now u can check out 3rd july post and the link tt works finally) and worse of all, cldn't get to this page to log in my entries in the first place. but now i can yippee! a start of better things to come.
i definately want to work on getting the pictures in my website visible. yuppers and upgrade the entire look of my blogger. the poor neglected thing needs some tending too now.

otherwise, my life's pretty ok. which means boring. i don't long for school to start anymore. i'm taking horrible modules like semantics, syntax, shakespeare and language planning and policy. duldum horrible nightmare(s). all these s'es are driving me in(s)ane. yeshyesh. lots of nasty silly puns here coz i've been reading xanth! yippeedoodle.

i feel like slurping a yoghurt now but i'll be back! muaks and thanks for reading. always.. :)

posted by happyhannon at 4:35 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, July 03, 2002

hmm i had my b-dae celebration on the 30th of june and the highlights are here. so don't really feel the need to go into the details again. well, i'm right now very happy and contented. eating my mudpie. it's scrumptious! yummy yums. the good thing abt a high metabolism rate is that i can eat tons and tons of food and never really gaining any weight but then, they say about cholesterol and so...
eating and being merry. it's amazing how food can resolve any conflict i'm feeling with a certain person. i can just eat, and even smile at that person, forgetting animosity, hate and discomfort. food really bonds people together. friends can go out and eat and the best friends can eat and not say a word to each other, and we totally understand that need for silence. best friends cease talking and start understanding when they eat together. and when we do, i personally can be alone with my thoughts and that's what i cherish most and makes me appreciate the other person more for respecting that moment.

haha. :) food. what are you thinking about eating today? today i've got campbell soup. the hum drums of single cant-cook nutty pple like me. i told my bf abt my eating campbell soup with pasta episode and he freaked out. hehe. too bad. and you know, he never knew i liked thosai. hmm..
well i know what he likes.
he likes steak, bread, chicken in the basket, wine, and expensive chinese food. japanese fried tofu and cold potatoe salad (sakai sushi). he doesn't like crabs, prawns, no raw stuff (except oysters and i guess coz it really fuels the testronic ego) and certainly no indian stuff except prata.
i think he's refined the art of cooking instant noodles and campbell food into an obssession. such that whoever cooks them will never get it right like him.. poowee..

i'm coming to two years with him already. i've certainly grown accustomed to him. i love fussing over him and he doesn't mind. i just enjoy the silent and quiet moments with him. and his amazing patience to me when i do shop. well, more about him later on..
now i must finish my mud pie before the chill leaves it and it's all warm and gooey.

posted by happyhannon at 11:19 AM 0 comments

krunchypeanuts...once u pop u can't stop...daily trivia with a dose of social responsibility...a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down...let's say we try...oh Lord how we try...