krunchypeanuts

Monday, October 27, 2003

I'm so alive and kicking right now. When i got home from school, i proceeded to clock 3 hours worth of tv. something tells me that i've just wasted my life away. I feel it even right now coz i could have used those hours to catch a nap... or as the still small voice says to me, "How about spending a little more time with Me?"...

and now.. nothing seems to be coming to my mind. Of course, things have happened since my last post. like how me and my babes have been trying so hard to catch a movie but one thing or another would come in the way. i was sick at first but the poor thing is now sick too. Then a large group of china students received salvation. Meanwhile, I was trying to salvage the remains of my thoughts for my crit theory essay. As much as I could, i tried to be involved in other people's lives than myself. Like when i was about to rant to my babes about several horrid things, i started by saying
"You know what..." But when he replied "what?", i just felt the urge not to rant. I realised that I was going to speak about depressing stuff when there was really no need to. I knew what I had to do in the circumstances; i also knew that i was overreacting alittle. And I knew that since i spend so little time with my dear, that every effort should be made to treasure the time we spend together.

So I said "I love you very much". even when i said that, it sounded quite abrupt but i did something right for once. I felt so happy and for the first time in a very long while, relief. Like a load was off my shoulders. Knowing that i'm doing the right thing is a rare thing for me. Most of the time in life, i just bash my way through things, crossing my fingers in the hope that what I'm doing is right and in God's will, waiting for that moment of clarity and trying not to fidget or kick up a fuss in the mean time. Or simply slack in the insipid flow of sloth... like today.

But i'll just hang in there. Sometimes when you don't know what to do, the best thing is to do nothing and just hold on. :) Alrighty then...

posted by happyhannon at 8:24 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

I cried out to God with my voice -
To God with my voice;
And He gave ear to me.
In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord;
My hand was stretched out in the night
without ceasing;
My soul refused to be comforted.
I remembered God, and was troubled;
I complained, and my spirit was
overwhelmed.
(Selah)

You hold my eyelids open;
I am so troubled that I cannot speak.
I have considered the days of old,
The years of ancient times.
I call to rememberance my song in the night;
I meditate within my heart,
And my spirit makes diligent search.

Will the Lord cast off forever?
And will He be favorable no more?
Has His mercy ceased forever?
Has His promise failed forevermore?
Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has He in anger shut up His tender
mercies?
(Selah)

And I said, "This is my anguish;
But I will remember the years of the right
hand of the Most High."
I will remember the works of the Lord;
Surely I will remember Your wonders of
old.
I will also meditate on all Your work,
And talk of Your deeds.
Your way, O God, is in the sanctuary;
Who is so great a God as our God?
You are the God who does wonders;
You have declared Your strength among
the peoples.
You have with Your arm redeemed Your
people,
The sons of Jacob and Joseph.
(Selah)

Psalm 77:1-15 Today is my crit theory presentation on Harvey. I have been sneezing for two days already. God bless my classmates and tutor so they don't catch the flue too. On a lighter note, i'm going to wear my 5 bucks sandals...

posted by happyhannon at 9:10 AM 0 comments

Monday, October 20, 2003

the same inertia always hits me before i begin my assignments. i've left the honors room and my friends, quite reluctantly even as the new sofa and good company proved to be serious temptations. My friends got up early on sunday to transport a sofa from someone's home to the honor's room and as mentioned by a vamp, up two flights of staircase too. Enthusiasm is precious. Sometimes i feel so drained to be enthusiastic about anything. At this stage, everything seems like a duty, a responsibility more than anything else. But even so, i know i must hang in there and be faithful in the little things, even though there's no longer any excitement or.. enthusiasm.

I'm now at the com lab and supposed to be working on my critical theory presentation on David Harvey. something to do with postmodernity and architecture. I certainly do not know much about architecture but the books in the archi section of kinokuniya would be excellent coffeetable material, if i ever could afford them. Skyscrapers fascinate me and best of all skygardens. lofts and avant garde houses with drawn out design plans, capturing different angles/ cross-sections of the house do strangely perk me up.

Furthermore, it's just the sheer amount of time, that precious leisurely bumming hours that one can spend reading such stuff. now i need to go to the toilet to crap..

posted by happyhannon at 2:19 PM 0 comments

Friday, October 17, 2003

oh crappers! i spent the entire morning reading the word, sending emails and surfing blogs.. i've not done anything to my crit theory essay. i have the grand ambition to finish it by this weekend coz i've got a presentation and another essay due next week. sigh.. but many thing will rock this boat and we'll see how. :)

it's going to rainagain! yippee. perfect timing. my brain thinks better when it rains and i'm at home. yesterday i had a fabulous time with my family. for once, i was not being a whiny complaining brat but locked up my negative thoughts and went with the flow. yielded excellent results!! my sister bought me scrungies and a hair clip. i have been thinking and plotting ways to get a scrungy without upsetting my schedule and she bought for me! hehe "yay!". then my dad bought me slippers that costs five bucks and i can't believe i got such a cool pair at such an outrageous price! all this and more at the TURF club in bukit timah..

enjoyed an excellent spread of seafood and have satisfied my craving for black pepper crab and fish. hopefully i will write more later but now it's raining!! time to get cracking..

posted by happyhannon at 11:33 AM 0 comments

Monday, October 13, 2003

this really ticked me off. after completing the 50 useless questions fwd by jeannine, i tried to email it to the group but then, got an error message that the bonkus yahoo group couldn't recognise my email address. wat shit. anyway, it's here for everyone and anyone who is interested...

1. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
love to wake up in the morning. especially at 630 and watch the sun rise. but i'm no superwoman so around 9

2. IF YOU COULD EAT LUNCH WITH ONE FAMOUS
PERSON, WHO WOULD IT BE?
i love johnnydepp too! but i don't think having lunch with a famous person would be entirely enjoyable. just give me close friends and love one.

3. GOLD OR SILVER?
silver.

4. WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA?
s.w.a.t. btw, colin farrell isn't my thing.

5. FAVOURITE TV SHOW?
nope. don't watch tv shows...

6. WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST?
will have a cookie or toast with ham, then a few cups of tea. warm soyabean milk and raw fish porridge is luxury!
7. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE LEFT IN A ROOM WITH?
my boyfriend. :)

8. CAN YOU TOUCH YOUR NOSE WITH YOUR TONGUE?
oh yeah.

9.WHAT INSPIRES YOU?
clouds and the sky. cities. coffee or tea.

10. WHAT'S YOUR MIDDLE NAME?
nope don't go by middle names. but i go by several different nicknames..

11. BEACH, CITY, OR COUNTRY?
ideal would be a city that's near the beach. country is boring!!

12.SUMMER OR WINTER?
summer. can't take the cold. if it's cold, i like to stay in which can get quite boring..

13. YUM?
goodness! so many things! i love raw fish porridge, all sorts of curry except tom yam, North Indian food, Japanese sashimi, bbq seafood, anything to do with lamb or beef. baby tomatoes! anchovies snacks. chocolate chip cookies from amos or mrs fields. right now, i have a craving for pepper crab or a bowl of hot and sour soup...

14. BUTTERED, PLAIN, OR SALTED POPCORN?
buttered

15. FAVOURITE CAR?
old beetle cars. i actually like scooters though...

16. FAVOURITE SANDWICH FILLING?
advocado. chicken or turkey or beef. definately tomatoes!
17. FAVOURITE TYPE OF MUSIC?
jazz, soul, folk, gospel. a little of contemporary christian music. i don't mind classical. the occasional punk! anyone like THE JAM..

19. WHAT CHARACTERISTIC DO YOU DESPISE?
eh. this is a hard question. i don't actually despise people. i think everyone has a reason for their quirkiness or some deeper reason for a tragic flaw. probably the only thing would be insensitivity in certain people that no matter how much you try to explain things to them, they remain obstinate and refuse to accomodate.

20. FAVOURITE FLOWER?
it's not the flower. it's the arrangement.

21. IF YOU HAD A BIG WIN IN THE LOTTERY, HOW
LONG WOULD YOU WAIT TO SPEND ALL?
definately not keep the money for retirement. u only live once. i'll probably invest, give some to church, charity. treat my family to a superb meal.

22. DO YOU WEAR PYJAMAS?
no way unless i'm really sick and my mum nags me into wearing a pair of those pyjamas bought from the market.

23. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?
dark brown

24. HOW MANY KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING?
three

25 WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO RETIRE?
i'll still be around if nothing changes. :)

26. CAN YOU JUGGLE?
juggle what? family and school? friends and boyfriend? church and everything? or just plain juggling with oranges? heh. the latter i can't. the rest i try to.

27. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE DAY OF THE WEEK?
sunday! don't have to prepare much for monday class. i spend the whole day with my bf..

28. RED OR WHITE WINE?
white... coz it peeves my dad off. :P

29. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY?
crappers. trying to remember... i treated my friends to food at newton circus. my parents insisted on seafood. my boyfriend... geez! total blank... someone psychoanalyse this. :)

30. DO YOU CARRY A DONOR CARD?
nope

31.WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Mauriac's therese.

32. FAVOURITE BOARD GAME?
scrabble, boggle and risk. i so suck at risk. anyone can beat me...
33. FAVOURITE MAGAZINE?
jane. i love soma but it's gone or they don't bring it in anymore. national geographic

34. FAVOURITE SMELLS?
the smell of bf's shirt. smell of some days when it has just rained or just before it rains. i miss the smell of tower records/books at pacific plaza. smell of perfume/cologne as people walk by. not every smell is fantastic but i like trying to decipher the person from the scent he/she wears. *psychopath* :)

35. COMFORT FOOD?
cookies!!! ban mian. tomatoes. sandwiches. bacon and pancakes.

36.FAVOURITE SOUND?
when people sing and it is as if no one's listening to them. sound of beth orton although she's quite depressing. sound of waves. the sound of the city as i remember, sitting in the skygarden of lido. sound of leaves rustling. sound of footsteps approaching especially if you're expecting someone special.

37. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD?
when everything and everyone is demanding things of you. feeling confused and lost. being angry.

38. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN
YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
how to stay awake.

39.FAVOURITE FAST FOOD PLACE?
is starbucks fast food? hehe. yoshinoya and long johns silver

41. FINISH THIS STATEMENT. "IF I HAD A LOT OF
MONEY,
i wouldn't even buy a bmw or spend tons of money on a gucchi suit.

43. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?
used to but they unfortunately land up on the floor the next morning. i got a bear and i can't remember its name. my favorite was a pound puppy! i swear when i first bought it, it was frowning but after i hugged it for a few nights, it started smiling! hehe.

storms. cool o R SCARY?
cool but not too many thunders. just more rain and wind. ifonly i could control the weather..

47. FINISH THIS STATEMENT, "IF I HAD THE
TIME,
i'll start writing this epic play or collection of poems and never finish it. i would have long chats with all the people around me, so i can know them better. i will probably also have the time for certain church stuff and just time for spending time with God.

48. DO YOU EAT STEMS OF BROCCOLI?
everything. bring it on and add the cashew nuts.

49. IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR, WHAT
WOULD YOU CHOOSE?
i want dark purple/violet streaks on my underside.

50. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED?
dust, hair, perhaps a stray paper or two.. or that hair band that i just can't seem to find..

posted by happyhannon at 4:52 PM 0 comments

Friday, October 10, 2003

ok so i've not written anything yet. the idea is just churning in my mind but it might just turn out to be foul cheese in the end. i woke up today ontop of the world!! hmm... :) probably because i feel recharged and refreshed after my ten hours of sleep. not just physically recharged too but spiritually as well. I spent the morning reading the bible, the books zechariah and revelations. it was strange that as i was reading, thoughts about my daily life filtered through my mind. If you know anything about these books, they basically are filled with prophecies about the end times (events that signal the end of time as we know it) which are very much remote from my hum drum life. So i was mildly surprised that these thoughts appeared. "mildly" because it wasn't such a strange event to me as when reading the bible, preparing your spiritual self, seemingly strange things do begin to happen.

The thoughts were immensely helpful. I had been wondering about certain things in my life but with more emphasis recently on my NUS church group. And as these thoughts developed themselves, pursuing the natural end to causes and questions, it revealed such clarity and suddenly there was a direction in my life. absolutely amazing stuff. I'm completely thrilled and in awe of my God. Now, if only i could be given the entire blue print for my critical theory essay...

posted by happyhannon at 12:11 PM 0 comments

Thursday, October 09, 2003

my sister and husband are going to get a pug! oh these little creatures are so adorable precisely because they're so ugly. everytime i look at a pug, have this overwhelming urge to hug the ugly little creature. It's written all over it's scrunched up face: i need love, attention, hugs! I'm so ugly! Won't somebody love me!

hehehe. maternal instincts...

listening to good music really gets the creative juices going. i staked out at the esplanade library, trying to kill time before i met my sister at 5pm. prior to that, i had lunch with my two best girlfriends. One is working in a PR firm and she looks gorgeous as always. my other friend too. love that spaghetti top she was wearing...
So i'm at the esplanade library and i pulled out a random cd shelf to see what my walkman could plug into... and i found India arie's album "voyage to India". now when i saw that title a long time ago, i was actually kinda repulsed by the poser-pseudo spiritual connotations the title was suggesting... but today the words bypassed my censor meter and the music flowed into my ears... absolutely amazing stuff. i love the way she expresses herself. i love the way when she gets the chords right and with a little vibrato and good ole r&B, even folkish and sometimes retro rhythm, the music becomes divine.

i nearly cried on one of the songs because it brought back wonderful memories. brought back things and reasons why i love the way my life is right now. so i came home after dinner with sis, aching in my bones to write something.. i don't know how far i will go. i don't even know when the first step would come. i'm a little afraid as always. :) we'll see how...

posted by happyhannon at 9:41 PM 0 comments

Monday, October 06, 2003

mum and dad quarrelled over the weekend and today, both are not coming back for dinner. i'm like a housepet that no one wants to feed! sigh. anyway, also hate the way they treat me like the buffer state, demilitarised zone. "demilitarised zone" is a term I have quoted from my pastor. He does have the tendency to use this term quite often. Whenever it's used, the context would be like how as a christian, one can't live in a monastry or a "demilitarised zone". we are in the world but not of it. I do agree with what he says. being a christian has been to me a battle right from the start. the battle against doubt, fear, disillusion, temptation. can't say that i've always managed to pass the enemy lines but God is faithful and He brings me through the darkest moments.

If i'm a demilitarised zone for my parents, it means that i can't take sides. i can't have my own opinions. and worse of all, my mental state would be caught in the cross fire of two very hurt and bitter people and the possibility of me ending up hurt and depressed is there.. staring at me right in the face...

Oh i can come up with more reasons why i should not be buffer state. when i am gone from the house, either married or desiring to start my own life (more likely the former :)), i won't be there to mediate their quarrels. so it's time the babies start learning to pick themselves up and grow up! I tried suggesting to them to visit a councillor they both can trust but each is adament that either the situation is hopeless or that they can handle it themselves. They ironically vascillitate between these two positions...

the God-damned pride! sorry. When will they ever admit that they need help and not turn to their daughter as if she is the spiritual guru of the family? even so, why don't they take my suggestions seriously? hehe. i guess i just have to be contented to pray and persevere in that. there won't be any quick fix here and that irritates my impatient nature. God, i know you're listening but why is it taking so blardy damn long for my father and mother to patch up? i will learn patience and longsuffering but I really really do hope that You are in control of the situation and that i'm not the one who's being a sucker here. Without my babes around, there is no one who i can really turn to. But i think it's a good thing coz i've always known that at the end of the day, it's just going to be You and me. God and me. so, i'm waiting...

Meanwhile, i shall be heading to the neighbourhood food court and get my ban mian.. possibly bubble tea too. guess what, i've been reading the wrong readings for crit theory!! hahaha. yes it's actually the bhaktin one, some essay entitled "epic novel"? yeah so kuku...

posted by happyhannon at 6:26 PM 0 comments

Thursday, October 02, 2003

i'm certainly not in the mood right now to start on my research methodology essay. i'm listening to some brazillian music and it's making me in the mood for a siesta but it's too late for that since it's already 5pm. mum may not be coming back to cook me dinner. she certainly is not obligated to do so. Brazillian music is quite depressing. ever though sometimes the bossa nova beats make your feet tap on the train, yet there'll be a chord or two that would taint the mindless, carefree rhythms with a tinge of sadness. one or two phrases will let some sweetness sweep by but it comes and goes so quickly that it makes the music much more sorrowful.

i was listening to my chris botti "night sessions" a few weeks ago, when my cousin was still living in our apartment. He thought it was depressing which was something that never occurred to my mind. perhaps what was depressing to him was actually rather uplifting to me. there are some things that never are expressed in ordinary events and circumstances. For me, these are the very things that i can never find words to describe since in the first place, no one's really interested to know and secondly, there isn't much time to think about it. As the trumpet sustains a note or when the cellist draws upon the strings in a gentle insistence that the high notes reach the ears like the peak of a wave, like the light that shimmers across the water and the camera suddenly swivels its lens and focuses on the glazed look of moon and stars above... i find that there is something in this earth that just echoes how i feel when at last, i am alone.

ok but i miss my babes! oh gosh he's going to some island in malaysia. how i envy! i long the sun and swimsuit and sun block lotion. i long just for something to make me throw my arms in the air and say "You win!" so that i could be dragged across the causeway. he will be gone and i wish i could go. i don't want to be alone. i don't want to get used to the idea of being alone. already we see each other once, twice the most a week...

hmm. written enough. the cd is finished!! i need something more uplifting. maybe silence for once.

posted by happyhannon at 5:26 PM 0 comments

krunchypeanuts...once u pop u can't stop...daily trivia with a dose of social responsibility...a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down...let's say we try...oh Lord how we try...