Monday, October 06, 2003
mum and dad quarrelled over the weekend and today, both are not coming back for dinner. i'm like a housepet that no one wants to feed! sigh. anyway, also hate the way they treat me like the buffer state, demilitarised zone. "demilitarised zone" is a term I have quoted from my pastor. He does have the tendency to use this term quite often. Whenever it's used, the context would be like how as a christian, one can't live in a monastry or a "demilitarised zone". we are in the world but not of it. I do agree with what he says. being a christian has been to me a battle right from the start. the battle against doubt, fear, disillusion, temptation. can't say that i've always managed to pass the enemy lines but God is faithful and He brings me through the darkest moments.
If i'm a demilitarised zone for my parents, it means that i can't take sides. i can't have my own opinions. and worse of all, my mental state would be caught in the cross fire of two very hurt and bitter people and the possibility of me ending up hurt and depressed is there.. staring at me right in the face...
Oh i can come up with more reasons why i should not be buffer state. when i am gone from the house, either married or desiring to start my own life (more likely the former :)), i won't be there to mediate their quarrels. so it's time the babies start learning to pick themselves up and grow up! I tried suggesting to them to visit a councillor they both can trust but each is adament that either the situation is hopeless or that they can handle it themselves. They ironically vascillitate between these two positions...
the God-damned pride! sorry. When will they ever admit that they need help and not turn to their daughter as if she is the spiritual guru of the family? even so, why don't they take my suggestions seriously? hehe. i guess i just have to be contented to pray and persevere in that. there won't be any quick fix here and that irritates my impatient nature. God, i know you're listening but why is it taking so blardy damn long for my father and mother to patch up? i will learn patience and longsuffering but I really really do hope that You are in control of the situation and that i'm not the one who's being a sucker here. Without my babes around, there is no one who i can really turn to. But i think it's a good thing coz i've always known that at the end of the day, it's just going to be You and me. God and me. so, i'm waiting...
Meanwhile, i shall be heading to the neighbourhood food court and get my ban mian.. possibly bubble tea too. guess what, i've been reading the wrong readings for crit theory!! hahaha. yes it's actually the bhaktin one, some essay entitled "epic novel"? yeah so kuku...
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