krunchypeanuts

Tuesday, September 30, 2003

oops. the handphone bill came in and my dad lectured me about the 70 bucks. i just kept quiet, grunted my replies of regret and slurped at my porridge. the porridge was awesome. Mum had fried the pork and she slipped the gravy into the soup that made it so delicious, the rice soaked up all that goodness and i'm just in bliss over porridge. whenever my parents nag, i really truly have the desire to get things right the next time because i can't stand the nagging. it's as simple as that. But not that simple when i was younger as most of the time i'll be shouting and ranting at the top of my voice, trying in vain to drown out the cacophony. haha. looking back it must have been really hilarious.

anyway i'm reading cyril wong's works, looking for things to think and write for my thesis. i think they are pretty amazing. yes, but only those from "the end of the orbit". there things are not too prosaic; sometimes having an ironic element and lots of tension. when i read other poet's works, i am often tempted to reflect a little on what i have ever written. it's often that i feel ashame of what i write and dare call poetry. seems as if i'm stuck on some level of dante's hell, never able to transcend the bondages of the mind to write things as they are but not quite.

perhaps if i book myself on a flight to some idyllic island where there is a coffee machine on standby, japanese tea in the cupboard and bbq seafood everynight. ahhh... :) i can't seem to figure out whether i'm in love with the words or with the life. Or whether these are the things that make up my particular level in hell. very pathetic...

posted by happyhannon at 3:09 PM 0 comments

Thursday, September 25, 2003

oh it's sooo uncanny. whenever you reach my site, do you notice the ad right on top of the page? if you have, you'll note that a particular ad for a search engine constantly makes its appearance. on the ad, there are a few links and it is the links that i'm referring to that are uncanny! my recent entries were all about proust and the banner ad had links to things related to proust!! yikes! whatever have they done to these ads to make them track and mark you up with such uncanny accuracy?

no more proust you hear me out there!

anyway, when i went for the wedding dinner on tuesday. my cousin Kim, aunt ioleen, parents and me made the trip and everyone was gushing how Kim should be elected for the most eligible bachelor. He grumbled to the air that he felt like an animal in the zoo. I don't mind. i'll just smile. :) if i ever get married, i will ban shark fin soup from my menu. we could have bird nest instead. healthier and oh so much more class... or wait a minute. dunk all that ching chang chinese menu and go for the mediterranean or exotic north indian food!

haha. chances of that happening is when the PAP's last resort is to lick the crumbs that fall off the master's table.

ok i've got nothing really smart to say here and what's better/worse, i've run out of dumb things too! hehe. i'm just missing my cookies now...

posted by happyhannon at 6:22 PM 0 comments

Sunday, September 21, 2003

something in me just can't let go of this inane idea: i must finish my proust presentation by tonight!

but somehow the idea has i think only a 50% success rate coz i'm feeling really tired now. of course waking up early for church can be factored in. but mostly, coz my babes has been throwing tantrums (too!) throughout the entire course of the day. ThaT is exhausting... trying to keep up with him, pacifying him, stepping on emotional landmines and having to deal with the aftermath...

times like these i thank God that i'm firstly quite sane still. I'm tired and a little cranky but still cheerful. i'm also thankful that my tutor of my research methodology course is so slack that i don't have to prepare anything for tomorrow's lesson. just show up on time i guess. :)

and then.. there is that delicious wedding banquet on tuesday. right smack in the middle of the week but i aint complaining since i can get to eat suckling pig and fish and prawns... i will feel real bad eating the shark fin soup since sharks are being hunted to extinction because of the exotic demands for their fins in chinese cuisine. i will feel bad but i will still eat it. haha. :)

ah. now i feel much better and i can return to my presentation.

posted by happyhannon at 11:21 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

i can't smile. the expression on my face is frozen. my lips are so fat because they have not been stretched. it looks like someone stung and sealed my lips together.

not suffering from depression if you're wondering. few nights ago while i was sleeping, my mouth and lips got completely dried up. I woke up the next morning and when i yawned, i was struck by a jolt of lightning pain as i felt the underside of my lips split.

yes, there's a split alright. i feel like i'm going to have 2 mouths soon. today the split got worse coz i most probably talked too much or didn't get enough fluids. so...

i took this as an excuse not to turn up for classes in church. i can hardly eat my dinner without soaking my upper lip in water, waiting for my lips to be plumped, swollen with water...

argh! this could be a punishment for all the insensitive things i've been saying to my babes. all the tantrums i've been pulling off. as a confession, i'm fairly tired and sick of myself for all these emotional ups and downs. i want to get a grip of myself and stop acting so irrationally. my babes and i quarrelled last night till 2am. i spent 40 mins on my handphone talking to him. i woke up with swollen eyelids coz when i cry, my eyes wouldn't know how to shed the excess tears or water and somehow store them that's why they become swollen in the morning. That's my theory, they aint very efficient in taking care of themselves.

so since i'm home early. i better get down to proust. i must conquer the book and start preparing my presentation for next week. i'm tired but i feel like swimming. very strange...

posted by happyhannon at 8:58 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

i have the strains of one of marvin gaye's songs running through my mind..
oh.. mercy mercy me...

assignment list. things i absolutely must do by this week
1. finish proust and my presentation
2. read marx grundrisse and german ideology
3. start on research methodology term paper.
4. love my mum and hannon babes more. be nice to people even though i'm busy
5. spending mandatory time with God

i don't know how i'm going to do this! i feel like venting it all out on a karaoke machine!

posted by happyhannon at 12:47 AM 0 comments

Monday, September 15, 2003

my cousin arrived at my doorstep 9am saturday. he was amazed i was up at this hour. Whenever i'm reminded by such situations, i'd be amazed at myself too. what ever happened to those lazy slacking bumming days when i polished off 10-12 hours overnight? what has innervated my lazy bones with discipline and a totally incomprehensible agitation and dislike of sleeping over 9 hours?

i don't know. all i know right now is i'm so yearning for a brownie with ice-cream. i'm in the ang mo kio library trying to get some readings done. they have absolutely delicious sinful brownies here. oh boy, my tummy is growling its grumblings.

my cousin. name kim. age 30 or approaching it. he's younger than my boyfriend. what can i really say about him now.. he's been travelling, back-packing for nearly a year now, going through all the asian countries. one night when i was showing him the photos of my bangkok trip, i asked him if he had taken any photos. all of the photos he's got are about people, insects, friends stoning, and something about acme products...
He's what we singaporeans call eurasian. i wonder if caucasians ever use this word... part swedish, part asian. his eyes are green with slight tinge of brown. but on certain occasions, his eyes are much browner than green. i'll note the occasions next time around. what else..
a master degree in computer engineering.

he's trying to quit smoking, in the attempt to become super fit. recovering from a bout of flue. lodging in my house, sleeping on the couch.

today we're going to my mother's cousin's house for dinner. i find the possible relation between my mother's cousin and my cousin weird. i wonder if she's trying to invite him to church.

i'm wondering when i'm going to finish this and get my brownie. hungry!!

posted by happyhannon at 5:30 PM 0 comments

Thursday, September 11, 2003

"A little tap on the window-pane, as though
something had struck it, followed by a
plentiful light falling sound,
as of grains of sand being sprinkled
from a window overhead,
gradually spreading,
intensifying,
acquiring a regular rhythm,
becoming fluid, sonorous,
musical, immeasurable,
universal:
it was the rain" (141)
Marcel Proust: Swann's way

if things don't turn out well today, i will want this post to remind me what a beautiful morning it had been. It did not rain but if it did, there would be something poetic about it that my sentimental mind would conjure. the right side of the bed was very inviting this morning. i sat in the arts canteen, slurping and crunching my yong tau foo. i had chosen the spot where from the corner of my left eye i can see the light overcoming the reaches of the gentle slope. how do you describe the movement of light that ascends the slopes, barely touching their crowns?

ok. my cousin is not here yet. my aunt told my dad that he would be arriving around the 10th of september so it could be anytime now...

posted by happyhannon at 9:34 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

hearing a stranger's voice over the internet triggers narcissistic thoughts in my head. i wish to have a feature like that on my website for my sole enjoyment. hehe. alright i've another dream serving for you. this time i was a foot soldier in some unknown war. it was strange that we were given an off day to visit our families and leave the camp. so i went to visit my family in this run down HDB apartment. When i wanted to leave, i realised that I couldn't find any of my things: my equipment, back pack, rifle etc. I was running up and down the house trying to find my stuff and spent the whole day just doing that but as the light of the day died, my rifle was still missing. i knew i couldn't regroup with my platoon. then there was news that the enemy was entering the city. i was dead meat...

i woke up a little pissed at my dream self. i resolved to return to my dream with the foregone conclusion that i'd found my stuff and returned to camp just in time...

instead, i found myself looking on the same scene but only this time it was in anime. then suddenly michael jackson appeared like a ghost weaving through the enemy camps unseen.

when i was lucid, i thought if only i could draw that out, capturing all the shades of grey, brown and yellow in the scene. but the images in my mind were fading and the only image i can recall from my dreams was the back of michael's grey trenchcoat, the setting sun casting its last rays upon the buildings beside him, unable to penetrate the darkness that was swallowing the desolate rubbles of the city.
This would be the trait, the remnants of my dream, that derrida could be speaking about in memoirs of the blind... the trait that is left when with your finger you draw a line across a table surface. the trait that is invisible, that i seek to rewrite and remark it but always eluding from my grasp...

anyway, onto trivial stuff which are ironically often more coherent and interesting than my rambling. my swedish cousin will be arriving in singapore today from cambodia and would be lodging in my house for an indefinate number of days. this calls for patience and tolerance on my part. i think it's better to assume the worst possible scenario and not to hope much, then to expect i would have fab times with my cousin and we would get on jolly well.
i am glad i went for my prayer meeting yesterday. speaking of which, i have to send an email to my varsity church mates to ask them about something. ok gotta grab lunch and head to school... God bless you

posted by happyhannon at 10:40 AM 0 comments

Tuesday, September 09, 2003

taking up the lament of "if i had 45 bucks"...
1. (and only) i'll get my teeth cleaned!!!

the dream last night was really weird. i dreamt that i met a friend that i hadn't seen for ages and found out that she was married. i was in shock even as we hugged and i congratulated her. then passing her, i found myself walking through an alley that reminded me of thailand bangkok. I ended up in this apartment with this stranger that i was calling friend. and the b*tch she was criticising me from head to foot! i can't remember what triggered her insults but i think i did something to provoke her. Anyway, the funny thing about her criticism was it was about something so trivial and yet i felt deeply insulted. She criticised about my hair! it was too black, so messy and out of shape. it was no surprise to her that i couldn't care if i looked like a drag...

i woke up because my pillow was too flat and i just fluffed it up, turned to the other side and went into a snooze...

hmm and now come to think about it, i was commenting about my classmate's hair the other day about how i couldn't recognise her since she dyed her hair black again. i thought she looked quite fabulous. haha. i guess envy crept up on me in the watches of the night.

Anyway, quite dreading the day ahead. i have to go to school and deal with the text of volpone. absolutely hate it because of the classical allusions and worse of all, when i was looking forward to the notes at the bottom of the page for help, they were so skimpy that they were pretty much useless. only good for decoration... around my neck... yuk.

also there's the prayer meeting for varsity to attend. my only grouse about that is it's at 7.30pm and it's at least half of the island away from my home and school. i just feel tired thinking about it.

on the brighter side of things, i feel totally refreshed from my bath. one can't take such simple things for granted... :)

posted by happyhannon at 9:58 AM 0 comments

Monday, September 08, 2003

it's so heartwarming to see my mum relaxing and chatting with her friends. I'm at home typing this while at the dining table, my mum with her friends are pigging out on tea and biscuits... talking about renting flats, filippino maids and laughing at quirky sense of humor (mostly that of my mum's). She's been so caught up with her duties of being a wife and mum that i'm glad that now, she can just chill.

Great. when she's happy, she nags less. :)

ok my fingers are itching to click on the lovely icons of my simcity3000 game. I think it's sAd that i don't have simcity4000 but certainly not a trAgedy. think what those couple of ten dollars notes can do. the game costs about 45 bucks...

With 45 bucks, i can get
1. a coffee. grande latte 4.90
2. a mrs. fields cookie 1.60
3. a small pizza with coke at the basement of raffles place 8.00
4. movie (the most) 8.50
(with 7 dollars left)
5. scrungie 1.50
6. a cd from cash converter for hannon 3 bucks (the returns are infinite! e.g. free sushi dinner)
7. another cookie and spare change for the busker

posted by happyhannon at 3:58 PM 0 comments

krunchypeanuts...once u pop u can't stop...daily trivia with a dose of social responsibility...a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down...let's say we try...oh Lord how we try...