north-american possums! work fatigue grouses; singaporean; ex-poet and writer; former convent girl; converted, convicted and painfully quiet; bibliophilic; skyscrapers; weather-talk; dining alone on sashimi; your life with Jesus; banging heads with problems; looking from afar; loving my xiongmao; peanuts & anchovies; battlestar galatica; novella dreams and paranoai: holding onto you.

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Saturday, January 14, 2006

oh man... i can't believe this but i've slept for only 6 hours and i still feel rather refreshed!?! When once i needed 7 to 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep to feel my best, now... i just need 6?? I'm not very persuaded that i've aged (old people tend to sleep less) and that my body rhythms are changing... I'll just have to wait till afternoon to see if i will still be in my perky, radiant self here.

Yesterday was really fun for me. Well, it didn't really start out in that way but it ended very well. I knocked off from work at 6pm to go for church group. The message was encouraging being about Daniel11:32... something along the lines of those who know God will do great exploits. I tried to share what's been in my heart for the couple of weeks but i fumbled. As i was elaborating to my friends some parts of my situation, i was struggling with the thought of whether to reveal everything because i was afraid that they will not understand and judge me. So in my chicken-heartedness, i only settled for the half truth. At the end of my sharing, i felt horrible... not because my friends seemed stunned at what i said but that i could not share all that was in my heart: the longing, the hope, the dreams, the promises, the fear. i just could not and felt gagged. That these are things that are inflicted by me, only makes this whole episode even stranger and pathetic.

So feeling that way, i left church group and went to meet up my friend at Bishan olio dome cafe. I was late as usual due to my inability to pull out of engagements. It's just so awkward to leave a meeting for something that has happened if that something is not an emergency. perhaps the questioning of others as to why you are leaving makes it so and your imagination of what's unsaid sends you on a guilt trip. BUT... i had an excellent time with my girlfriend!! we talked and talked till nearly one. talked about guys, about God, about jobs, about friends... we trashed out everything and i was comforted by her faith and hope in God. Times like these when you can just be absolutely comfortable with someone and talk your heart out makes me very thankful.

I know i'm struggling with my own self-consciousness and inadequacy but based on what happened last night? I think that there's still hope for people like me. And coming back to the verse that was shared in church group (Daniel11:32), i know that there is a place for me in the plans of God. Even if only a few do see it and i don't get my affirmation from my entire world, that makes the whole process only sweeter. i will treasure this.

Labels: inspiration

posted by happyhannon at 10:12 AM