north-american possums! work fatigue grouses; singaporean; ex-poet and writer; former convent girl; converted, convicted and painfully quiet; bibliophilic; skyscrapers; weather-talk; dining alone on sashimi; your life with Jesus; banging heads with problems; looking from afar; loving my xiongmao; peanuts & anchovies; battlestar galatica; novella dreams and paranoai: holding onto you.

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Tuesday, June 29, 2004

this month has been a rather challenging one for me. i've made many silly, minor and major mistakes. the worst thing about making mistakes in my case is trying to forget the shame, the guilt, the regret and push on forward.

i sat on the mattress lying on the floor with my cell leader discussing about my future. sounds self-indulgent right? but i've no qualms about it and i'm grateful for the patience and longsuffering qualities of my cell/church leader. something she said still lingers in my mind but it's not something negative. i can't fill in all the details here like why she said it and the context she said this statement in but the gist of it: to refuse to be bullied any further and stand up to the bully.

well. i hate confrontations. i hate it when i go with one agenda in my mind and get spun about through the entire process such that i emerge from the confrontation utterly confused about how i really feel. i have this sinking feeling that i've either just been bullied to submission again or the mental strain to accept defeat as a learning process. and then, there's the whole thing about the meek shall inherit the earth and turning the other cheek when slapped. how and where do i draw the line?

but this particular bully in my life... oh i do get quite mad when all my buttons are pushed to the max. yes i get hysterical but i don't want an emotional breakdown. i want sweet justice. i want the unspoken word of judgement pronounced in heaven and earth such that i will no longer need any more comfort from people. it will be then that i will know that i know, it's finished.

i'm still wondering.. can life wait for God? will He give us the grace to bare our grit for one more season and not be reduced to a wilting pulp again? it is such a torture to experience injustice and feel completely helpless in the face of it. meanwhile, His mercy is so clearly evident in the bully's life and somehow, i sense His love for both my enemies and friends.

i know how it feels when He does not seem to be giving any ready answers but i can wait. i've only one lifetime anyway. And if He is merciful to my enemy, than how much more to me? i don't have anything else to cling to except His promises..

i would have fainted,
unless i believed,
that i'll see the goodness
of the Lord
in the land of the living..

posted by happyhannon at 12:11 AM