north-american possums! work fatigue grouses; singaporean; ex-poet and writer; former convent girl; converted, convicted and painfully quiet; bibliophilic; skyscrapers; weather-talk; dining alone on sashimi; your life with Jesus; banging heads with problems; looking from afar; loving my xiongmao; peanuts & anchovies; battlestar galatica; novella dreams and paranoai: holding onto you.

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Tuesday, January 06, 2004

The first day of school was yesterday. i didn't have much to say to alot of my friends and just basically smiled and kept quiet. I'm not too worried of how i'm going to do this semester. Just put in my best and hopefully reap what i sow. :) the entries are getting shorter everytime which could be a sign of good things as i've been feeling happy and contented. But of course, i'm not perky all the time. And yet, just can't seem to put to words how i really feel. hmm.

Today's class in 18th century was quite mind boggling though in a good way. They have such a queer notion of satire and their intermixing of religious convictions and scientific truth seems fraught with potential rift and fracture. Not to say that religion and science are completely incompatible but i don't think you can really empirically prove the existence of God. Perhaps not yet.

I find my mind these days filled with trivial things. i want to know why people eat scramble eggs with runny ones. i want to know the shortest route to get my packet of sweets. i wonder why dr. Gwee has a paunch. How old is he. and sometimes i just don't wonder about anything at all and stare blankly. today i kept on wondering if by missing the prayer meeting today, was i betraying my friends. sure, that we had agreed to be responsible for each separate prayer slots and mine is on wednesday. i know that i've done nothing wrong. But somehow the feeling of guilt comes back, that i've somehow betrayed them. this strange logic seems impossible to refute.

sigh both mind, spirit and soul seem to be wasting away. i've also been thinking to myself how difficult it is to have a 24/7 focus on God. How dear Lord? my mind is a stubborn mule that sits on its ass and refuses to budge. I need understanding and wisdom desperately. Not to puff up my thoughts and this shrinking gray matter but wisdom and understanding that will bring some peace to every aspect of my being. I do hope that i'll get them soon.

posted by happyhannon at 6:34 PM