north-american possums! work fatigue grouses; singaporean; ex-poet and writer; former convent girl; converted, convicted and painfully quiet; bibliophilic; skyscrapers; weather-talk; dining alone on sashimi; your life with Jesus; banging heads with problems; looking from afar; loving my xiongmao; peanuts & anchovies; battlestar galatica; novella dreams and paranoai: holding onto you.

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Tuesday, January 27, 2004

the air con has broken down. i shall be sleeping again with the fan. thank god it's raining. what can i do...

chinese new year was ... was... great and yet nothing much. i once again managed to eat the delicious peranakan food that my aunt only cooks once a year. but good food sadly lasts as long as the dining hours. then my mum quarrelled with her sister over the phone coz i heard her bawling all the details on a wednesday morning. i went forward to comfort her but she seemed oblivious to me or my efforts. it was an instinctive move. i didn't want her to be so sad. i didn't want her to feel alone. it hurts sometimes to feel for something so much or to even just feel when normally you wouldn't, only to be put down later by people's reactions and words.

i was in the car. this was a few days before cny. i was in the car of my district pastor who was driving me back from a late prayer meeting. i asked him whether marriage was worth it. i told him that the reason why i can see a future with my hannon is because both of us are willing to commit and have the never say die attitude towards love and God. Then he asked me a very simple question. Do you love him?

of course i do.

i do. the words come and the heart leaps up in defence.. but in defence of what? what am i trying to prove...

i had the terrifying dream that i was in a relationship with someone and one day, came to my senses that this relationship was all wrong. i told this person and she.. yes it was a she... was quick to reply that the only reason why i was doing this was because i wanted to look good in front of everyone in church.

firstly,i think it's just the same alter ego that my mind always conjurs up to be at odds with me. the last terrifying dream was another she-devil. specifically a pontianak. why she was chasing me remains a mystery.

secondly... it's just a dream.

i can't worry about this. i can't go around behaving and thinking like it's the end of the world. granted that i may not understand everything but as i've realised, if i just sit still and wait most often the answers, the patterns will emerge.

my only prayer is that i would not do anything foolish during this time. i will not despair and lose my hope. that i may have the strength and grace to hold onto whatever i do have in my life. my lovely bf, my family and everyday when i wake up knowing that His mercies are new every morning.

tell me what else can i do.

posted by happyhannon at 7:17 PM