krunchypeanuts

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

oh gosh. tomorrow my sup is going to go through with me, the draft introduction i wrote. well, things don't seem to be looking great. i didn't say to him that my intro was a draft but i think after dr. Goh read it, it became a draft. snigs. knowing Dr.G, he will take the thing into pieces. he should anyway. i spent two days trying to cram everything together. in the process, i've made some big claims about what i will do for my thesis - suggesting a change to the voice of singaporean literature. i've also realised when i was writing, that basically i have no idea what should go into an introduction and what should be left out. so i dump everything in lah. all in all it was a 7-8page.

i am grimacing at the thought that there will be 40 odd more pages to go. my brain freezes when i think of formatting my bibliography too, remembering that i spent the whole tues morning just trying to format 8-9 readings.

mamamia!

but i'll get through it somehow by the grace of God.

hmm... i could do something that i've never done before in my life. in the central library toilet on the 6th floor, i manage to see the back of my head and all that shaggy long hair. i just stood there silly and enjoyed the sight. i've never really had long hair in my life. i think once when i was in primary school and the longest then was just at my shoulders. i'm thinking that the only reason why i'm not cutting it, is because i don't really know when to cut it, what i want it to eventually look like. i mean i see lots of fine heads of hair in school but they just look nice on those people; i don't have any idea how i will look like with their style. But most importantly, half the time i won't be able to look what's flapping behind me right??

well, one can certainly be boggled by just a mob of hair. the birds at my house use it to weave their nest. i picked up my two strands of hair on the floor and placed it near them. there's my 2 cents worth..

posted by happyhannon at 11:17 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

the air con has broken down. i shall be sleeping again with the fan. thank god it's raining. what can i do...

chinese new year was ... was... great and yet nothing much. i once again managed to eat the delicious peranakan food that my aunt only cooks once a year. but good food sadly lasts as long as the dining hours. then my mum quarrelled with her sister over the phone coz i heard her bawling all the details on a wednesday morning. i went forward to comfort her but she seemed oblivious to me or my efforts. it was an instinctive move. i didn't want her to be so sad. i didn't want her to feel alone. it hurts sometimes to feel for something so much or to even just feel when normally you wouldn't, only to be put down later by people's reactions and words.

i was in the car. this was a few days before cny. i was in the car of my district pastor who was driving me back from a late prayer meeting. i asked him whether marriage was worth it. i told him that the reason why i can see a future with my hannon is because both of us are willing to commit and have the never say die attitude towards love and God. Then he asked me a very simple question. Do you love him?

of course i do.

i do. the words come and the heart leaps up in defence.. but in defence of what? what am i trying to prove...

i had the terrifying dream that i was in a relationship with someone and one day, came to my senses that this relationship was all wrong. i told this person and she.. yes it was a she... was quick to reply that the only reason why i was doing this was because i wanted to look good in front of everyone in church.

firstly,i think it's just the same alter ego that my mind always conjurs up to be at odds with me. the last terrifying dream was another she-devil. specifically a pontianak. why she was chasing me remains a mystery.

secondly... it's just a dream.

i can't worry about this. i can't go around behaving and thinking like it's the end of the world. granted that i may not understand everything but as i've realised, if i just sit still and wait most often the answers, the patterns will emerge.

my only prayer is that i would not do anything foolish during this time. i will not despair and lose my hope. that i may have the strength and grace to hold onto whatever i do have in my life. my lovely bf, my family and everyday when i wake up knowing that His mercies are new every morning.

tell me what else can i do.

posted by happyhannon at 7:17 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

The first day of school was yesterday. i didn't have much to say to alot of my friends and just basically smiled and kept quiet. I'm not too worried of how i'm going to do this semester. Just put in my best and hopefully reap what i sow. :) the entries are getting shorter everytime which could be a sign of good things as i've been feeling happy and contented. But of course, i'm not perky all the time. And yet, just can't seem to put to words how i really feel. hmm.

Today's class in 18th century was quite mind boggling though in a good way. They have such a queer notion of satire and their intermixing of religious convictions and scientific truth seems fraught with potential rift and fracture. Not to say that religion and science are completely incompatible but i don't think you can really empirically prove the existence of God. Perhaps not yet.

I find my mind these days filled with trivial things. i want to know why people eat scramble eggs with runny ones. i want to know the shortest route to get my packet of sweets. i wonder why dr. Gwee has a paunch. How old is he. and sometimes i just don't wonder about anything at all and stare blankly. today i kept on wondering if by missing the prayer meeting today, was i betraying my friends. sure, that we had agreed to be responsible for each separate prayer slots and mine is on wednesday. i know that i've done nothing wrong. But somehow the feeling of guilt comes back, that i've somehow betrayed them. this strange logic seems impossible to refute.

sigh both mind, spirit and soul seem to be wasting away. i've also been thinking to myself how difficult it is to have a 24/7 focus on God. How dear Lord? my mind is a stubborn mule that sits on its ass and refuses to budge. I need understanding and wisdom desperately. Not to puff up my thoughts and this shrinking gray matter but wisdom and understanding that will bring some peace to every aspect of my being. I do hope that i'll get them soon.

posted by happyhannon at 6:34 PM 0 comments

krunchypeanuts...once u pop u can't stop...daily trivia with a dose of social responsibility...a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down...let's say we try...oh Lord how we try...