Friday, November 21, 2003
i must praise God for the papers i've taken so far. though they haven't been easy at all, but trusting Him gave me my peace of mind. even if i don't do well, i will be contented with the fact that i got through the whole process. i have been really thinking these few days of what's my purpose in nus, doing lit honors. what was the purpose of immersing myself in 6 years of literature? i sort of came to the realisation that the end result of it all, whether i get a good honors degree, whether i will do well in my studies does not really matter at the end of the day. Even whether i've done 6 years or 12 years or a lifetime of literature, all these achievements don't mean a thing. afterall when i die, leaving at least a dusty folder of my honors thesis (that could probably get lost someday too), who's going to care?
the things that really do matter. yes, it's the process of going through it all. but life is more than studies, work, family. i want life to be more than that and i'm glad that it is. Whenever i feel like i'm being sucked back into the world, i just cling onto my faith and hope. the struggle and the denial is worth it coz i don't want to go back to the way i was. it sucked. it was gloomy and depressing. i used to refuse to step out of my house. i hated my family. i hated even my own life. even when i became a christian, there were times when i dropped out of the christian race and it was like returning to hell. Once you're on God or God's on you, nothing will ever be the same again.
of course God at first was my drug. pardon the expression. i read my past entries and cringe too at the naivety and awkward, cliched phrasing but i just shrug my shoulders and move on. it's my blog anyway. :P so God as drug.. ah that would be another topic for another day. The details you can ask from me when you see me so won't post it here and bore people. suffice to say that if God is in my heart, then i don't have to expect goose bumps experiences to know He is near. He just is and i don't have to look any further but into my heart.
i don't really talk so much about spiritual stuff because most of the time, it just shows off my inadequacy and foolishness. but today, i guess i'm in the mood to talk. my sister said i was like a muslim coz i always seem so fatalistic, pessimistic. well whatever names i'm called, i can't help it if life is really just a journey and we are pilgrims on this earth, travelling to our eternal dwelling place.
These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off were assured of them, embraced them and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth. Hebrews11:13
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