Sunday, August 10, 2003
cr@ppers! that thursday night staying up late, trying to redesign the blog is so wasted! look at this website and you'll know what i mean. cheaters!
Blog skins *grimace*.
it's a quiet sunday evening for me. I've not gone to my bf's house. well he says i shouldn't coz he's spending the whole evening watching soccer and his parents have only food that's been prayed for (or dedicated to the hungry ghosts or deities) so... there won't be any appetising things to eat. well, would you think that eating rye bread, campbell soup and honey bake ham can be really appetising? Maybe i'm just too expensive and fussy to be maintained. But i don't regret not going to his house. In fact, i love it here right at home. parents are out feasting in Little India and i've got privacy and cool fusion jazz on the radio 90.5fm. The crazy busy life of the day is slowing down and i'm beginning to feel less frazzled, relaxing at last...
I don't know what this might imply of my plans to settle down with hannon. I guess i'm going to miss solitude. I'm going to miss just having a private space for myself and my thoughts. But, i don't think i can plan for such things. it will just come and i only pray that i react in the best way possible.
So i've broached the topic of marriage. well, those close to me are beginning to ask when the date is. Can't say we have set a time and specific day yet but the earliest would be next year. However if my opinion counts, then i would say a more realistic date would probably be in the year 2005. The longer time is really for both us to be as much as we can be prepared, in terms of the logistics and of course the spiritual aspect. Hannon has yet to be baptised. I'm not asking him to rush into it. He has supposedly set a time for that so again, it's a wait-and-see kinda situation.
Whenever i'm plagued with doubts of whether hannon is the one, or just depressed about the way some things are between us, at times i tell myself that i have to wait and see. Wait and listen more, talk less. observe more and remain silent, instead of always speaking up about circumstances. This needs lots of patience and self-control coz i love to fly off the handle when i don't like something and demand that the situation be rectified asap.
But as i've learnt through much tears and heart aches, you can't just make things happen. And even when they do happen, the worst or best thing is that it always happens in the most unexpected manner possible. One day, Hannon just woke up and said that it was time for him to be a christian. Man, i wasn't even ready when it happened. Although i had been waiting for that day for what seemed like an eternity, but when it happened it just caught me by surprise. A question, which left me squirming then at the thought of it, reared its ugly head up in my thoughts and i didn't expect it to, thinking that i had covered all corners. The question was whether i was really prepared to share my life and convictions with this person after all these years of solo journeying.
I'm readying my heart to answer "yes" to that question with conviction. I don't think i'm suffering from cold feet, i've just got a selfish streak. :) the jazz is too blardy good. speaking of jazz, listened to an album by nicholas payton. His tribute to louis armstrong with orchestras, his own trumpet and a B3 Hammond (if i'm not mistaken) is pretty cool...
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