north-american possums! work fatigue grouses; singaporean; ex-poet and writer; former convent girl; converted, convicted and painfully quiet; bibliophilic; skyscrapers; weather-talk; dining alone on sashimi; your life with Jesus; banging heads with problems; looking from afar; loving my xiongmao; peanuts & anchovies; battlestar galatica; novella dreams and paranoai: holding onto you.

May 2002
June 2002
July 2002
August 2002
September 2002
October 2002
November 2002
December 2002
January 2003
February 2003
March 2003
April 2003
May 2003
July 2003
August 2003
September 2003
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
March 2004
April 2004
May 2004
June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
September 2007

Saturday, April 05, 2003

can't wait for the exams to be done with. i've finished my terribly tough ISM essay on poetics and after this, i don't think i will seek any more challenges of the kind where my grades and possibly, future could be affected. Well one reason why i can't wait for school to end is so that perhaps, i can start writing on something again. nothing terrific now but just get up and about, thinking and writing, reading. Perhaps some space to think and reflect for once.

i bought a bottle of starbucks coffee frappuchino from cheers convenient store to cheer myself up, after a long day discussing projects in dreary nus. i sat in the feeder bus, the last set of wheels that will take me home. grew restless, discontented at the fact that my parents were going to subject me to porridge for dinner. but besides the brattish tantrums that i was going through, i felt at the same time so strangely disconnected from my feelings. i could actually feel like i was going through the motions of being spoilt. this all really sounds ridiculous i know. it sounds like some justification shit a schizophrenic pickpocket could possibly give. "it's not me. it's my alter ego!". but i'm not trying to justify myself here and perhaps why i'm writing this is because, someone else might be going through the same thing too and it is comforting to know that these are just the same ole trappings of life... nothing crazy, disasterous or catastrophic... quite civil i might say...

yet sometimes i cry. sometimes i pray that this life would end and i can really begin to live. the pain and frustration becomes unbearable but with each small change that happens, gives me my hope in God. sometimes i just write furiously into my beige book and sometimes i lie on my bed and dream. there was one time i was praying so often in school that even my daydreams were about prayers. it happened when i was also on the bus, returning home from school. i knew i was still mumbling my prayers. i don't know what i was mumbling about but gradually, i slipped into unconciousness and woke up just 2 bust stops away from my destination.

hmm so.. now i'm going to take the bottle of coffee out of the chiller... and print out my papers... drifting slowly back to reality. :OP

posted by happyhannon at 8:48 PM