north-american possums! work fatigue grouses; singaporean; ex-poet and writer; former convent girl; converted, convicted and painfully quiet; bibliophilic; skyscrapers; weather-talk; dining alone on sashimi; your life with Jesus; banging heads with problems; looking from afar; loving my xiongmao; peanuts & anchovies; battlestar galatica; novella dreams and paranoai: holding onto you.

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Saturday, March 01, 2003

it's been one loong day. someone returned my wallet today. I lost it yesterday and with it, my house key too. I panicked, my brain circuits got fried so i couldn't think straight and as a result made several blunders and quarrelled with my bf. today, it was a long and tiring talk with my mum abt my dad. i realised that watever i was saying to her apparently was not understood so i finally learnt to shut up and just listen. i've got anger management problems too. am trying hard to control my emotions but failing most of the time. Hannon just said, "Well i'll help you and no matter what, i'll always be there for you."

what he said became the major turning point of my life as it is right now. it's been like this for me, that i find it hard to believe that i'll be forgiven whenever i make a blunder. I try very hard not to make them and the harder i try, well let's just say that things get worse. i've also assumed that it's silly to be with someone who's compulsively making the same mistake time and again. I hate that in anyone and i hate that of myself too. But what hannon said really helped me to see things in a different light. you could say "thank God juliet is resting her brain for once!" and i'll agree with you 100%. I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer and i can't think myself out of every problem but my clinging onto a belief that anything can be solved if you just think it through, certainly needs some serious reality check.

Well i think i got it. at least now i know. i may be getting everything wrong although i have the intention to do good. but i know i have a chance to get it right, so long as i am alive. and i won't give up coz not only do i get second chances but becoz that there's someone who loves me "come rain or come shine". that's amazing to me. that's what i want to be. and i'm really grateful for all the times my bf has been so patient with me. i think abt God too how he has never once nagged at me or condemned me for all my wrongs. He's waiting also for me to change and i know i so do want to. Like in Don's sms today, "there are some helpful souls out there" and i really do understand that now.

posted by happyhannon at 11:54 PM