krunchypeanuts

Saturday, March 29, 2003

this news is gonna scare some of you shitless. i'm down with a slight flue. yups. feeling a little fluey with mucus flow travelling up and down my nasal passage. tired too but no body aches, just tired. i should think my temperature has gone up a few decimals but i'm not burning or melting. so if anything should happen to me, at least someone can read this off and tell the doctors. i started feeling like this on wednesday when i was out with my babes and went to little india for dinner. i was especially tired that day but had no flue symptoms yet. the flue symptoms came only yesterday.

anyway to my knowledge, i have no contact with any SARS individuals before wednesday or after that. i certainly have not been to hongkong or china or vietnam for the matter. so forgive me if i don't see some of you for a few days. it's just to be safe for everyone's sake. i pity my family though. my dad seems to be getting panick attacks every once in awhile, calling to check up on me.

me? "How are you feeling now juliet?" frankly dears, i don't know. i've been so bogged down with work, church and responsibilities in general that i knew it was about time before my body would protest and shut itself down. i got an ism report to hand in next week but HECK it. i'm just going to relax this glorious saturday and send emails. i don't feel scared or panicky, i don't feel frustrated or neglected. perhaps.. i don't really care or wish i didn't need to care anymore. anyway, good health and sound mind to everyone out there.

And he said:
"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
And naked shall I return there.
The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken
away;
Blessed be the name of the Lord." (Job1:21)

posted by happyhannon at 10:27 AM 0 comments

Monday, March 24, 2003

can u imagine it is still possible for someone in this decade to make the immortal sin of saying "we shall teach them what civilisation is"? sometimes, in my heart i know that there are worse sins a man can do than that but when it comes from someone like bush, a person in authority and power over nations, then you really really wonder if the third world war is coming.

but enough of speculations. if you asked me, i don't know which side i should be on. my heart is torn in both ways. one says that bush might be doing a good thing, perhaps he can end the dictatorship of sadaam hussein but another says "then why are helicopters colliding and men going mad in their base camps, flinging grenades at their own commander's camp? why did he say that it is not enough to kill sadaam hussein but the whole regime? when will the killing stop? there seems to be no end to hatred, war and strife!"
and so the debate goes on in my head. the more i think, the more my heart grieves. i don't see the promised end, peace and freedom, of this war. my heart wants to hope for the best, to pray for the best outcome but inside it cowers from pain and suffering, from the possibility that all will and has already failed.

psalm 46
God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the
earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart
of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their
surging.
There is a river whose streams make
glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High
dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress. (Selah)

Come and see the works of the Lord,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the ends of
the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the
spear,
he burns the shield with fire.
Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."

The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress. (Selah)

posted by happyhannon at 9:40 AM 0 comments

Friday, March 21, 2003

on a better note... the cramps are still here but they're not that bad unlike the previous one. they feel like pinches in the inner walls of my abdomen, not hard knocks. tomorrow (saturday) i want to go for the early morning prayer meeting. there's this great sense of urgency to pray for singapore. it came about due to a prophetic message delivered on wednesday. My friend told me that it was ironic we had to have a prophet from america to tell us the things pertaining to God for our country. isn't there anyone here who can hear the voice of God?

today we prayed again for our school and country. i feel alittle more for this land but not as much as it should be. I told my friend (the same one that i've quoted the ironic comment from) that there's an emptiness that i feel. I hear the bad news of accidents, epidemics, murders etc. and my heart aches a little but there's an emptiness in me that refuses to let me feel anything more than that. it's frustrating. Praying becomes even more difficult because there's no sincerity in our repentence. Our cries seem to reach God for the first 20min and after that, bounce off the ceiling and fall splat on the ground.

posted by happyhannon at 4:41 PM 0 comments

these few days i've just been able to survive. the pressure of school work (especially the incredibly hard essay on literary criticism that's killing me), the situation here in Singapore and in Iraq, and then the usual squabbles with boyfriend... make me want to scream. i should be tired and i want to feel tired so that i won't have a choice but to return to my bed, yawn and fall asleep... i can't. firstly, won't be able to sleep because i've got cr@amps again. secondly, so much blardy work to do that if i should just take one wink, there goes more time wasted.

i can't really describe to you how helpless i feel. i feel like i've been stomped on by a giant foot and i'm waddling around with my shortened legs, furiously trying to keep up. can't wait for this sem to be over. can't wait for this life to be over...

posted by happyhannon at 9:24 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, March 12, 2003

"great man travel alone." that's what my youth pastor said and he quoted how eagles fly and whales swim alone. but whales do swim with each other and eagles have their lifepartners with them, right? i think great man don't live their lives to please others but no great man is truly alone. from a christian point of view, we are in this world but not of it. we can't isolate ourselves forever, sit on our holy mountains and think... if anyone's great, it's because of the impact one individual can have on thousands of other lives.

these days i have been pondering over the suggestions and ideas in my head, how i can play my part to make this world a better place. yesh.. i know some of you would say "remember the americans! they still think that what they are doing is for the good of the world and look at their blunders like the vietnam war"... well we are humans. we fail sometimes and the only decent thing we can do is to just admit it...

my head is filled with idealism. i'm stuck in inertia because i am constantly thinking about my motivations and contemplating on the thought of whether i'm just being naive. Just for the record, it's leading me nowhere. i don't know what i should be doing. i feel that these plans come with an expiry date and that makes me hasty and edgy but there's no impetus or strong sense of purpose to guide me. It's plans of the kind... "let's do it and see how".

Do these things work? I will have to make up my mind soon and will talk it out with some people. meanwhile, back to the hum drums of life... we are all thinking of what and where to eat for my mum's birthday today... :) i bought her a clinique lipstick called "tender mauve". It's something i won't buy for myself but i'm glad she's happy... ok time to go makan and then back to the books... toodleloos.

posted by happyhannon at 7:34 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, March 05, 2003

it's certainly one of those days again. i got a letter that thanked me for participating in the s21 playwriting competition and apologised for my failure of not being selected. very nice. i know my self worth is not in who i am. i know there's more to life than just this. i know its abt time to put on a bold front in the midst of adversities yada yada. but i'm still sore and spoilt so sue me.

so i wrote two poems out of.. i don't know wat.. the "superficial" pain tt was in my heart? oh so melodramatic. :) sue me again.

when will i find you.
tell me the date,
time, decimals
and balances.
That i may keep my
score of you
and find,
the one thing you
will need from me.
Someday i shall
find that place
that secret frame in time,
your eternity encapsulating
my present and
my entire joy.
But won't you speak?
When the emptiness
of my heart
only speaks of you;
Only murmurs your name
to soothe, comfort,
and restrain its hurts.
My heart is easily afraid
of an unforeseeable
time when you
should find your way
out of its fervent thoughts.
So say what
you will
and do what
you've come
to do,
for i can
hardly
bear the
silence of
your presence
in my life.

posted by happyhannon at 10:15 PM 0 comments

Monday, March 03, 2003

i am in awe of the brochures in starbucks. the pictures, colours and layout complement each other so well. i can just stare at it the whole day. For me, it's like reading the only interesting magazine in my house. Having nothing better to do and fascinate myself, i'll just read the same ole article again and again.. so that's exactly what's happening to me and the starbucks brochure. There's the usual day-dreaming abt owning a coffee machine.. reading how others have got one makes me dream more... but anyway i found the perfect starbucks just to hang out at... none other then the one at Tan Tock Seng. very lovely. quiet and restful. And here's the brand of coffee that i think i am. haha. yeah i've got two obsessions going for me right now... starbucks and quizilla. can someone be bored and kind enuff to turn the brands of starbucks coffee into a quiz?

Yes i know i'm talking rubbish now. but i'm pretty chirpy coz this is the first time in a veri long while that i can veg around at home. ahhhh.. watching stupid soap operas, flipping tv channels, snacking on jam biscuits and napping... all i need is that coffee.. miss...

posted by happyhannon at 6:39 PM 0 comments

Saturday, March 01, 2003

it's been one loong day. someone returned my wallet today. I lost it yesterday and with it, my house key too. I panicked, my brain circuits got fried so i couldn't think straight and as a result made several blunders and quarrelled with my bf. today, it was a long and tiring talk with my mum abt my dad. i realised that watever i was saying to her apparently was not understood so i finally learnt to shut up and just listen. i've got anger management problems too. am trying hard to control my emotions but failing most of the time. Hannon just said, "Well i'll help you and no matter what, i'll always be there for you."

what he said became the major turning point of my life as it is right now. it's been like this for me, that i find it hard to believe that i'll be forgiven whenever i make a blunder. I try very hard not to make them and the harder i try, well let's just say that things get worse. i've also assumed that it's silly to be with someone who's compulsively making the same mistake time and again. I hate that in anyone and i hate that of myself too. But what hannon said really helped me to see things in a different light. you could say "thank God juliet is resting her brain for once!" and i'll agree with you 100%. I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer and i can't think myself out of every problem but my clinging onto a belief that anything can be solved if you just think it through, certainly needs some serious reality check.

Well i think i got it. at least now i know. i may be getting everything wrong although i have the intention to do good. but i know i have a chance to get it right, so long as i am alive. and i won't give up coz not only do i get second chances but becoz that there's someone who loves me "come rain or come shine". that's amazing to me. that's what i want to be. and i'm really grateful for all the times my bf has been so patient with me. i think abt God too how he has never once nagged at me or condemned me for all my wrongs. He's waiting also for me to change and i know i so do want to. Like in Don's sms today, "there are some helpful souls out there" and i really do understand that now.

posted by happyhannon at 11:54 PM 0 comments

krunchypeanuts...once u pop u can't stop...daily trivia with a dose of social responsibility...a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down...let's say we try...oh Lord how we try...