Saturday, June 08, 2002
ok alright. i have a responsibility to make my updates better so here goes.
about the production. everything was so hilarious. i was practically freaking out at the backstage at every mistake my actors were making but now looking back it's just plain silly. of course that is a real dipper to any aspiration of being professional. but it's time i just wake and realise that the whole production was handled so amateurly.. so what u expect girl!
the few hilarious things that happened. one of the actors farted on stage. one forgot to zip up his pants. everyone thought my play was too abstract and not sensational enough. nearly everyone loved the last play ... comedy shakespears that's what they want!.
so any ambitions to do all this again my girl??
maybe. you never know.as the lord directs. i really do feel for this stinkhole city and its people. i really feel i can contribute just one more stuff if i had too. but other than that, no big plans.
what else have you been getting yourself involved in?
really feel it's none of your business but since i'm at it i might as well carry on.
i had a church camp from 3rd to 6th of june. really knew a bunch of characters and got in touch with many private lives. i'm not trying to say in a nice way that i got updated on the latest gossip but rather, i feel i'm understanding people much better and building my character not to judge them. very vague statement but that's the nearest i can come to actually gossiping about other people.
during the camp, got some of my ideas about God and my life sorted out. like i said previously..
1. i really do feel something for this stinkhole nation afterall. seriously. i think for now i feel that many people in this country need God and an answer to their problems. i just want to help. i just want to help people understand their situations better. give them a new POV. i want to change the way singaporeans have always viewed our nation as. i really do think i'm getting somewhere but we'll see how.
2. i know what exactly i have to do with my relationship with my non-christian bf. not to break up.. nah. i'm not at that stage but just something really important that i have to speak my mind about enough said.
3. i feel fired up for God honestly but at the same time i'm really weary too. the whole camp was abt pple badgering me about my bf and me. at times it was quite liberating talking to people about my problems but most of the time it was down right insensitive and too busy-body for their own good too. i just want to shut them up but i don't so i'm bearing a burden that i should not even be bearing. i don't know.
you know what's the wierdest part? i feel like i'm moving on in my life but then again i'm not. sometimes i just want to cry because i'm so tired of all this shit. i'm so worn out. i'm creatively sponged out. i can't write for nuts. i can't even write a single poem anymore. i don't like watching movies .. arty movies because they have all turned crap. everything is about war, love, sex. homos, drugs, murder.. as if i haven't enough about how life sucks and how pple-just-make-the-best-out-of-a-bad-situation... shit!! wake up you know! i mean it doesn't have to be this way! u don't have to be stuck in it!! wat has happened to our ordinary lives! we live in it day in and day out and we're not satisfied we want something to thrill us, excite us, inspire us... nonsense! i just want to look at my life and realise that God is in my life. in my midst. he's not some cloud in the sky just passing by, looking over us and chuckling with a nice mug of hot chocolate!! he's right here!!
blind bats.
i sometimes just want to cry.
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