Saturday, December 30, 2006
this is the last early morning that i'll enjoy; I'm typing this at close to 3am. And after this i'll tweak some of my lecture notes and email it to colleague. School is about to open in just a few days time. i'm not dreading it but let's just say that i'm simply allowing myself to be pushed forward, just drifting with the trash.
you won't believe what i just did. i read through the old messages of my literature honours group and spent an hour just reliving those moments. i don't know why i did that. perhaps to remind myself that there was once a time in my life where i knew i was living for a purpose? perhaps just a moment to keep my mind off the rut i'm in. I found myself laughing at old jokes, wondering from time to time what i was doing at the different times the messages were posted. Those weren't the best of times but they were comforting - i never felt more certain, confident and inspired.
But now somehow with work, with marriage, with bills to pay, with fewer friends and more strange faces, i've changed and i'm no longer that person. I've become more tired, selfish, quiet and reserved... dull. i tried writing - only once- during the holidays but after that my writing has completely dried up and there's nothing i want to write or think about.
certainly, this is not about laziness. there are more chores to do and greater responsibilities to shoulder. but somehow, that sense of purpose that lifts one's gaze above the crowd is gradually fading - only to be replaced by the curse of middleclass snobbery and complacency.
i don't have much expectatations for next year. Of course, miracles are always welcomed. Let's just say that a change in my circumstances might help to jolt my senses but don't be mistaken. i'm not just looking for a career change. i'm not looking for a brand new car. i'm not looking for another pot of plant to take care of or toy to keep my rabbit occupied. and i'm certainly not expecting that new pair of shoes or 10 dollar bowl of noodles for dinner everyday. I'm not looking for another project or cause to just occupy my time. i just want something more than all these things. And i can't seem to lay a finger on what that is.
i might spend the whole of 2007 just trying to figure out what i truly want. it's not a selfish wish for something that will make me feel warm and fuzzy and happy about the world. i wish that it'll do something to change me radically (for the better) so that i will be of better use to God and to those around me.
Anyway, here's wishing you the reader a happy new year. When we can still breath and see the sun rise and moan and groan to the toilet, when the weather is back to its terrible hot and humid temperament and when the husband once again forgets his daily chores, then life is just as it should be and that's just a miracle in itself. blah blah the end! 3.15am
