krunchypeanuts

Saturday, December 30, 2006

this is the last early morning that i'll enjoy; I'm typing this at close to 3am. And after this i'll tweak some of my lecture notes and email it to colleague. School is about to open in just a few days time. i'm not dreading it but let's just say that i'm simply allowing myself to be pushed forward, just drifting with the trash.

you won't believe what i just did. i read through the old messages of my literature honours group and spent an hour just reliving those moments. i don't know why i did that. perhaps to remind myself that there was once a time in my life where i knew i was living for a purpose? perhaps just a moment to keep my mind off the rut i'm in. I found myself laughing at old jokes, wondering from time to time what i was doing at the different times the messages were posted. Those weren't the best of times but they were comforting - i never felt more certain, confident and inspired.

But now somehow with work, with marriage, with bills to pay, with fewer friends and more strange faces, i've changed and i'm no longer that person. I've become more tired, selfish, quiet and reserved... dull. i tried writing - only once- during the holidays but after that my writing has completely dried up and there's nothing i want to write or think about.

certainly, this is not about laziness. there are more chores to do and greater responsibilities to shoulder. but somehow, that sense of purpose that lifts one's gaze above the crowd is gradually fading - only to be replaced by the curse of middleclass snobbery and complacency.

i don't have much expectatations for next year. Of course, miracles are always welcomed. Let's just say that a change in my circumstances might help to jolt my senses but don't be mistaken. i'm not just looking for a career change. i'm not looking for a brand new car. i'm not looking for another pot of plant to take care of or toy to keep my rabbit occupied. and i'm certainly not expecting that new pair of shoes or 10 dollar bowl of noodles for dinner everyday. I'm not looking for another project or cause to just occupy my time. i just want something more than all these things. And i can't seem to lay a finger on what that is.

i might spend the whole of 2007 just trying to figure out what i truly want. it's not a selfish wish for something that will make me feel warm and fuzzy and happy about the world. i wish that it'll do something to change me radically (for the better) so that i will be of better use to God and to those around me.

Anyway, here's wishing you the reader a happy new year. When we can still breath and see the sun rise and moan and groan to the toilet, when the weather is back to its terrible hot and humid temperament and when the husband once again forgets his daily chores, then life is just as it should be and that's just a miracle in itself. blah blah the end! 3.15am

posted by happyhannon at 2:44 AM 3 comments

Friday, December 08, 2006

Walking home with my groceries and watermelon soy milk in hand, i thought about what it really meant to know and love someone. When you really know/love someone, you don't have to be constantly reminded about what they like or dislike. Almost instinctively, when you look at something you will be able to tell whether they would like it even without them by your side. I like to buy cards and write mushy things to hannon but knowing that he is not into these things, i don't do so. It's not about restricting myself and being miserable about that but about pleasing him and just wanting to do the things that will make him happy. And perhaps with a glance, you will also know what they are thinking about and you'll know immediately what you need to do/not do or to ask what's wrong/interesting. When we are at a social function, i will keep one eye on him and as i speak, i'll try to make sure that i keep him in mind. sometimes he gives me a funny look; oftentimes he clenches his jaw or starts to grind his teeth and i know that i should just stop right there.

and i don't mind doing all these things; having some restrictions to work with and some compromises to make because i love him and i know he loves me in a fashion that i understand and appreciate.

so i'm thinking that this would be what God meant when He said that David was a man after His own heart. That even though there were many times when David felt alone and it seemed that God was a million miles away, David always knew what to do and was completely secure in the knowledge of God's steadfast love.

And i keep reminding myself of this too. i never knew one could measure love by the degree of lack as i have always thought love should be measured by the amount of affection one gives. i'm just going to take my time to walk through this - at least i know this won't last for an eternity. there'll be a day when all these things will make some sense. at least i have that assurance..

posted by happyhannon at 12:52 AM 1 comments

Thursday, December 07, 2006

I'm back. Returned on Wednesday early morn from tokyo. Had a great time when we were walking in the park. Had a great time going crazy over cute things. Had a great time eating sushi, tempura and eating/drinking tea poured over rice. i had a great time but not the best. i went to bed every night like a baby and woke up ready to see the world. But sometimes, the world is just not enough.

all these were taken from the airport limousine bus. it's not the cheapest ride from the airport but most convenient as the bus stops you right outside your hotel. we stayed at shinjuku washington, a 3 star hotel for businessmen and apparantly for volleyball university teams. it's a hotel with no frills but it's clean,comfortable and cheap.

And that's all for the pictures from airport limousine bus. I'm not a very good photographer as i don't have a steady hand; i'm way too slow to take a good shot, too lazy with the technical aspects; rather cowardly too...

this would make a nice christmas postcard. it's a van parked out at shinjuku and it reminded me of my sister who likes all things creepy and crawly.

lovely walk in the park at harajuku. this would be the 3rd day of our trip. before i went mad with shopping at one of the many lanes in harajuku, we decided to take a walk. weather is excellent with bright sun and cold air. there is a shrine in the park and we walked to it and got a little food massage with all the loose gravel paving the walkway.

someone is camera-shy.

this is the graphics on one of the lanterns fixed up into this huge panel of paper lanterns on one side of the walkway.

so people visiting the shrine wash their hands and some drink the water before entering. This station is located outside the shrine.

So the above was the last picture of the shrine in the park. These similar looking photos are from okanemochi station. we dropped by here for no other reason then to find hannon's favourite cd shop "discunion" that sells a wide range of 2nd hand cds-his paradise. But besides the cd, it's a nice section of tokyo with university students, guitar/musical instrument shops and antique bookshops which fascinated me but sadly they only sold japanese antique books. And then, it's just lovely walking here and eating tonkatsu. this river stretches on for some miles and i saw it on the train before these stations, with a couple of wild ducks swimming about. we get white minature cranes here but there they have brown ducks and ducklings. these things.. touch my foolish heart.

And next we have ginza, the place where they sell $10 coffee. but i was more interested in visiting the sony building and trying out the ps3. But having found and explored the building, i couldn't find it at all and he wanted to get it over and move on. sigh...

and this is a photo of me with a singer at shinjuku street. during the weekends, individuals and bands perform on the street to promote their albums or demos. This girl had the sweetest voice. i'll try to upload one of her songs so u can listen. and that's about all the photos. i'm falling half asleep doing this.

posted by happyhannon at 10:59 PM 1 comments

krunchypeanuts...once u pop u can't stop...daily trivia with a dose of social responsibility...a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down...let's say we try...oh Lord how we try...