Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Ooo.. look what i found. my husband was on his usual hunt for cheap and rare 2nd hand cds and he happened to know that there was a flea market going on in zouk last sunday at 2pm. So he went and i accompanied rather sulkingly till i found this little cute thing..
I'll call it my little labbit. This lady makes these weird cute little things and sells them on her website or in flea markets like the one in zouk. She should come up with more elaborate stories about these cute monsters, perhaps even a comic book. haha.. just these cute monsters and i.. what a wonderful world this would be.
Well what's been happening to me all this while is that i've been busy with grading examination papers and presentations for the jc kids. Even so, i'm in the midst of marking papers till the end of this week and then i'm *free*. Of course things have been happening but most of them i'm not inclined to publicise it to the world coz they involve my close friends and who knows, perhaps they still read my blog after all these years.
But some things i'm going to blog about now perhaps for my own sake. I think i'm backsliding. not in the sense that i don't enjoy going church or that i stop attending my church meetings. But i'm losing the interest in getting into the Word. the level of interest is a stark contrast to some months back. Ever since i've been struggling with my CCA and work this year, my passion is slowing fizzling out. Perhaps i don't see any meaning in my work. I don't seem to have the time or energy to go for extra meetings or even just to sit at His feet. And now that i do have the time and energy to do so, i'm not as diligent as before. Perhaps work has become such a horrible habit afterall that once the load is lessened, i feel miserably empty.
When work was plenty, burdensome and dreary, i struggled to maintain at least some form of contact with God but more oftentimes, communication only boiled down to rants, tears and pitiful pleas. Now that the drama is slowly winding down, i realise how i've lost the way to communicate with Him. It's like i've fallen out with my best friend. Suddenly, we don't have things to really talk about.
Perhaps i'm still bitter from going through the trial of having to do something that I don't like where all my flaws were exposed and my patience tried to the very last bit. Grace was sufficient for me not to become catatonic but not enough for me to say that "we are more than conquerors in christ". And at the end of the trial, I was hoping for a change in things but the change was most unexpected... i was given even greater responsibility in the thing that i dread. I have no choice but to accept it or face the negative consequence of jeopardising my job prospects and stepping on big and important toes. It seems that God has other plans and i accept those plans even though i don't understand them.
But i don't understand why is it that when i need His encouragement and assurance the most, i can't find Him. I can bear another year of being bound to something i have no interest in. I can bear the sleepless nights, the missing meals and the sacrifice. But i can't bear not feeling His touch nor His presence despite the sacrifice made just to do His will.
I don't understand. I've truly been groping in the dark this entire year and it looks like it's going to be the same for the next. I really want to make this relationship work. There's nothing else i can fall back on. I tried shopping like crazy and eating great food but i'm still very alone and depressed. Hubs doing his best to understand. but human sympathy/empathy can only help so much.
so there goes the year 2006. my christmas wish? Just to know, truly know, that "His eyes are on the sparrow".
