krunchypeanuts

Monday, December 12, 2005

This year has been very eventful for me.
I got married
Graduated and started my new job as a teacher
bought a house that flooded on the 2nd day i moved in
crashed the front left indicator of my car
got nearly stranded in Bangkok airport with no return flight home
came to the end of serving in the tertiary ministry and have not started on any new one since.
changed cell group
wELL, if you have been reading this long enough, you would probably know that the question which continually haunts me is the "why" question. Why are these things happening to me all at one time? Why has God planned these things in this way?
To help me answer these questions, I thought of approaching them in two ways. For one, I've decided not to keep score of the so called "bad" things that have happened to me. I realised this when i was stranded in Bangkok and all that my panicking mind could think of was the time when my house flooded. "Another notch on my belt of disasters"? I want to just stop keeping score.
The second thing that I realised has nothing to do with my wonderful power of reasoning. I was really depressed after the Bangkok trip. I could not believe that such a thing had happened and worst of all, I could not understand why. There are several really rational reasons like how i'm truly not capable and a completely green horn at this. But these rational reasons weren't helping with the depression and self-pity. So i prayed and asked God with a great sense of frustration, confusion and helplessness: Why are these things happening.
And the strangest thought came into my mind. "So that I can show my love towards you". To me, that was a powerful statement. It not only changed my perspective on how i understand and view these events but it put an end to all the self-loathing and pitying. It gave me faith to believe that everything is in the hand of a Sovereign God and the best part of it all, is that this Almighty God would love me even when I had nothing to offer and was perhaps really a green horn and incapable fool.
I love that! In fact, as a personal statement and reflection of this year, I would say "2005- the year that was crowned with God's love".

posted by happyhannon at 11:32 PM 0 comments

Friday, December 09, 2005

Stepping into the national library feels like i'm stepping into church. Even more so. Never do i hear a squeal or screech from unruly, uninspired, unamused children. Sometimes it happens in church but in this sanctuary of humanism, its sheer magnificence of superstructure and modern glass/metal finishings inspires awe and reverence. Of course, the noise level is much greatly reduced by carpeting as well. On the seventh floor, the children's rapt attention is now focused on the excellent view and few words are spoken, and that's only when they are leaving the place and mum takes out her handphone to make arrangements. This is almost too good to be true.

It is also almost terrifying how alive i feel right now. Just last night, nita johnson was sharing about the sleepiness of the singapore church. How we have been lulled by our toys and earthly pursuits, transformed into mere pagaentry and superficiality: becoming incapable of hearing or bearing the burden of God for our nation. Has all our efforts and self-transformation been mistaken for the creation of life? Is this "high" that I'm experiencing now blinding me to the eternal and weighty presence of the reality of God?

I don't think "blindness" cuts close to what I am feeling now in contrast to what I know and believe in. This artificial life, energy and exuberance that vitalises human endeavours is irresistably persuasive, manifesting itself with such a presence that one cannot deny the effect it creates.

Perhaps i am talking rot here. But this transaction of feelings and loyalty between an inanimate object such as this building and a person like me is too real for comfort. The "dirt", pain and hopeful expectation of true salvation cannot come close to this; so diametrically opposed to this perhaps not form but spirit.

posted by happyhannon at 3:00 PM 0 comments

krunchypeanuts...once u pop u can't stop...daily trivia with a dose of social responsibility...a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down...let's say we try...oh Lord how we try...