krunchypeanuts

Friday, October 29, 2004

"you loved me, when i was so unlovely.
...And you bought me at the highest cost.
There's no greater love than this.
There's no greater love than this.
That a man would give his life for a friend"

as we sang that song during worship, the thought came into my mind that if Jesus is truly my friend as I say He is, then i too will give me life for Him. I can't think about this again, this morning, without feeling overwhelmed. How many times i've said Lord I love you but when I'm put to the test, i turn up the hypocrite instead.

Standing there, like a Judas, I wonder at the fact that after all Peter had said and done to the Lord, Peter nevertheless chose to lay down his life for his friend too. Do i dare to believe that such a thing is possible from me? In all my failings and shortcomings...

the wind just blew across my bench and toppled my cup of soyabean milk. Looking up from the computer screen, i see it's beginning to rain again and someone strolls past me, up the stairs into the open as calmly as can be, as if it wasn't drizzling. I'm thinking more of how the sentences will be written than upon the thoughts that i've been meditating upon. my voice is so scratchy today as i stubbornly began my sleep through the night without drinking enough water.

... my friend spoke about this yesterday that in the darkness, we will learn to tarry and find our treasures. There's so much more to learn and come to understand today. Hmm, that's strangely comforting to know.

posted by happyhannon at 8:26 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Looking back at the day's events, i feel that i've not been a good testimony for my Lord. So many mistakes, missed opportunities and basically human fear have hindered me from glorifying God. I really need His forgiveness today.

Today in the marriage preparation class it was another uphill battle for me. Im truly struggling, wrestling with the issue of submission. I know i have to, and it will be good for me and many people but something in me is just resisting it so badly, that at times, i thought i would tear.

i want to surrender everything to you Jesus. Help me to even do that willingly and joyfully.

posted by happyhannon at 1:21 AM 0 comments

Monday, October 25, 2004

yikes! a slew of emails this morning.. 38 unread from my yahoo account and 9 from my hotmail account, not including those that are in my junk folder. But the long rest was good. Have been down with flue and its amazing what a good 10hr sleep can do. Thank God!

ok nothing much to update here. i will be going to bkk with bf and family in tow somewhere in the middle of november. Plans to make a cheongsum in 4 days and 3 nights seem ambitious but i'm going to try real hard! i already have in mind a baby pink or cobalt blue one. No reds coz that looks so suzy wong and sluttish and gold will make me look like some empress dowager, some old matriach yucks! I'm quite excited about the trip! Perhaps more of hannon and my future plans will be discussed and hopefully reach to a lovely and woonderful conclusion. hmm.. :)

By the time i leave for bkk, it'll be my holidays then. Also need that extra time just to rest and brush up on my driving skills. well more later and hope the new blog design hasn't put you off.

posted by happyhannon at 10:42 AM 0 comments

Friday, October 22, 2004

i'm sniffing away. got caught in the rain as i left church with my mum. Even though we took a cab home, i've somehow managed to catch this cold. But more than the momentary feeling of uncomfortability, i'm stirred by the words of God today spoken by a man, an old american jewish man from Brooklyn: A person who confessed in an unphased manner that he would rather be lying in bed and sleep off his lethargy than to come to church today; A man who is humble enough to confess his weakness and his need for God. what a genuine confession that was. I have also never known someone who displayed such a hunger and desire to know the Word, the language of God. To unmask every word, stripping off that veil of passivity and blase-ness, so as to touch something eternal, something redeeming and powerful: the very fibre of the Lord in all His power, love and magnificence.

as i was in the midst of redesigning my blog, i read my past entries and in the light of what i've come to know today, i've realised how weak and abhorrent my writings are. My faith is so powerless, so insignificant, hampered by my limits (language and understanding of God) and shortsightedness. I think i see the end of the line but when i reach there at last, it is as if i have just rounded a bend and see that there is still more of that long and narrow track. More of the hard breaking and bending work to reach to the end of which, I only see with my naked eye. How can I ever know God? I am trapped "in the cornea of God". But I am embolden by His grace to follow the leadings, wherever they may bring me to.

How I long to set the things in my life aright tonight! Where once and for all, this mortal coil will unwind itself and release me. I shall wait on Him. I shall write more. I shall love Him with all of my heart, mind and soul. And then, I shall wait somemore.

posted by happyhannon at 11:59 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

i wake up at 0455hrs. last night at 9.30pm, i could not stay awake so i slept. i definately can sleep more though i don't think i should. there's much work to be done. Waking up early always sounds like a good idea but then, i can't do much at night and i think i'm missing out on much of the social/family scene. oh well.. my babes is going to hk tomorrow wed till fri. i am going to miss him very much. Just have to take one day at a time. for now, my tummy is rumbling so i'm going to rummage the fridge to find the last scraps of mooncakes.. mmm washed down with a mug of warm soyabean milk.

i think it's also about time that i cut my hair. i have come to a tentative conclusion that i don't look very nice with really long hair. perhaps shoulder length will be alright. my new ic photo is a testament to that. i look really wierd coz the photo cut me just at my neck. With the long hair, accentuating that already long neck... haha.. i look like big bird!

posted by happyhannon at 5:57 AM 0 comments

Friday, October 01, 2004

Write to live. I nursed a throbbing headache as my friend and I discussed my church's magazine ministry called herald. She asked me my reasons for staying on in herald. My head was throbbing to the inane whining of some theatre actress cutting her chops in the blues. Perhaps what i gave was a selfish reason but i told her i've always seen writing as a part of my life where my every thought and emotion can be extended in so many different directions and given a shape and colour, a body breathing and living. That sometimes when you look back and reflect on the stuff that you wrote before, it's almost as if you were reading another person's thoughts. My writing is the "me" that I do not see. It is the "me" that i'm probably most proud of and at the same time, afraid to admit.

Writing is a tool for communication and more than just communicating information or relying facts, it's an avenue to share, to infect and influence. Writing as a vehicle for change. Writing as an active response to the things around me but sometimes, most of the times, it is a lonely endeavor.

The last few weeks have been a time of stretching upon my spiritual and emotional faculties. By the grace of God, i'm here. I'm right where i'm supposed to be. For this, I give thanks. I'll always be saying now and then, in my inapt and clumsy mannerisms, how wonderful it is to see You, wonderful walking with You, wonderful to hear You speak. You're just too marvelous for words..

posted by happyhannon at 7:45 PM 0 comments

krunchypeanuts...once u pop u can't stop...daily trivia with a dose of social responsibility...a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down...let's say we try...oh Lord how we try...