krunchypeanuts

Monday, September 30, 2002

i love this monday. :)
well, i had to interview a political science lecturer dr. antonio rappa today on the status of kristang (a portuguese creole with malay influence, a rojak language like singlish) and the eurasian community. enjoyed it like nuts. though i was a little nervous at the beginning. the lecturer asked me midway of the interview.
"why is your chest red? did u scratch it or..?"
"no i think it was the coffee"...

one of the excruciating em-brassing moments in life. i don't know whether it was the adrenaline high coupled with anxiety and nervousness plus shot of expresso that did it... and he's got such a great rapport with the honors people. comments like "huge dicks" and sarcastic remarks zipping to and fro, across the room. he even said he doesn't think i'll go into honors, jokingly.
somehow, he seems to think i'm gentle, sensitive and stuff like that coz he always apologises after he makes a bawdy comment or retorts back sarcastically to my questions... very interesting. i am far from sweet, perhaps looks wise (tt's REALLY stretching it now), but man... i'm a walking, blundering little piece of cosmos in the process of being sucked into a black hole..

hmm watever. i haven't had coffee for such a long time and espresso somemore. i still feel the buzz 5 hours later and notwithstanding, a couple of trips to the loo. i don't think it's coffee. but i love interviewing and at the end of the whole session...

dr rappa: you're really brave to speak in front of my class... thanks for coming down... my pleasure...
paul: you should be a journalist...

oh now paul is one of his honor students. i interviewed him along with dr. rappa coz he's an eurasian. and then after 4 hours, i bumped into him again and he just basically said the same compliments again. and i always am very bad at recieving compliments, my witty rhetoric bubble is easily burst. so i just say thankyou repeatedly.

and then again, i had more questions to ask the pair but i was too nervous, high, anxious, caffeinated to think straight. so truly, i'm not that great. it was my first interview in a long time and i don't do much interviews in the first place. i think i've only conducted four so far.

before this post gets boring, i better sign off and anyways, my dad is coming around to pick me up soon...

posted by happyhannon at 5:48 PM 0 comments

Saturday, September 28, 2002

when my life is through
and the angels ask me to recall
the thrill of them all.
I'll say i remember you..

think i'm becoming an oldy singing songs and tapping my feet to alittle swing, a little jazz. oh well. and another thing that makes me feel like an oldie, no one likes to hear me complain. that's right. :) i've been feeling self conscious ever since not one but two people have complained to me in turn that i complain way too much. and i whine at that.
well, if that's constructive criticism, might not it turn my voice to sweet music, a lark? no it does not and therefore it is not constructive criticism. :)
it's just plain complaining too my comprade.
i have a mind to get my hands on federico garcia lorca plays. i have a mind to quit school, dump all my school work and ... hmm. i've never planned anything beyond that.
no poems so far. *sigh*. it must be the complaining that has taken away all my energy to do something much more constructive like writing poems...

posted by happyhannon at 9:40 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, September 24, 2002

i shouldn't be too tired to seek the grace of god.
that's my credo for the week..
anyways, i'm going to look "ugly" for the week cos i lost the contact lens for my left eye and thus, have to wear specs.
this is a very amazing thing but this sweet girl in pick checkered t-shirt actually stinks! yes no kidding you, got strong BO. i think i got to change my computer terminal...

anyway, i do treasure the times i meet up with my church mates in nus. we meet up like once a week with the intention of bringing our friends to our meetings or whenever we're unable to, pray for our school. for the times we have met so far, twice, things have been turning out really good and i actually feel refreshed and recharged for the days ahead...

oopuweee.. just that this BO really stinks now.. gotta go...

posted by happyhannon at 5:28 PM 0 comments

Monday, September 23, 2002

i don't know whether this post will make it to the living daylights but i'm just gonna write anyway, until 9.30pm, when i'll officially start on my homework.

could it be that you are as
near to me as i want you
to be?
but sometimes i'm scared,
sometimes i'm angry
for all the wrong causes,
and other times, i'm just
too tired.
they are not excuses.
you don't have to be sarcastic.
i'm just really trying my very best
to tell you what i want to say,
without shouting now.
cos i don't really know
when you'll want to hear me again,
i don't seize the moment
as i ought to,
and now i might have
that chance again.
that chance again, always
misplaced, mistimed, miscued
who knows when
that chance again.

Just you and me.
eye to eye. palms near each
other but never touching.
perhaps you'll now be content
without the words
(2minutes to 9.30pm...)
and i will learn to suppress the violence.

posted by happyhannon at 9:31 PM 0 comments

Sunday, September 22, 2002

ok i've started avoiding the family. enuff said abt the whole messy shit. now i just wanna talk about my trip to the library at the esplanade!!. :) yesyes, the architecture is aesthetically pleasant though a tat conventional as in no surprising architectural features or style. (as if i really do know anything about architecture in the first place but i like to bull..) and if you've heard about it, it's all true that you can listen to cds, watch film and get great books on dance, music, theatre and film. i found it amazing that i could find thelonious monk music scores in the library. and you can book a room with a piano, so you can just tinkle on some notes and see whether you wanna borrow the score (...tt didn't make too much sense).

so if u do intend to check out their cd collection, remember to bring your own discman with you because there's a limited number of listening head sets that you can use (and the sound system aint that good either, horrible sound balancing perhaps more suitable for pop than jazz). the cds that i checked out: Love supreme (John coltrane) and Dizzy Gillespie's (Live at Royal Albert Hall London)...

the bay view is too singaporean for my liking. :) blueish green water with bump boats, tropical lush green patches of grass, the expressway. merlion spouting water. people taking graduation photos. cbd skyline. what else is new... hmm... i've definitely got more ramblings to pontificate but my dear has his arm on my shoulder and i can't type or think when people stand too close to me...

just some last words?.. yeah... i need sleep.

posted by happyhannon at 2:15 PM 0 comments

Thursday, September 19, 2002

i've got nothing to write up here today. yesterday, i tried to enter a post from my com at home and the website just fed me continuously with those error messages. things definately do not seem to be working well around here. my mother hasn't convinced my dad about marriage counscilling sessions yet. i told her not to give up or be afraid. but i'm not always this patient and nice, half the time when she comes running to me with all her problems.. marriage problems specifically... it never fails to drive me up the walls. i just sit and listen and bear the horrible things that she is unable to bear alone... i don't really feel exactly like a grown up now. never ever. if i had assumed that of myself, i must have been an idiot once.

but if i can tell her not to give up and not be afraid about where her marriage with my dad is heading too, then perhaps i can do with some of that positivism for myself. except, i'm more often angry and irritated than scared. anyway, tonight i'm having dinner once again with family (ooh by the way the brix family dinner incident didn't happen for me. i went home coz i felt too tired to hang out longer outside) at my sister's house and she's making meatballs. and as always, you guess it, i have family jitters again. which is really weird for those who know me, coz my family is always pretty big on the idea of the entire family gathering together and having dinners and stuff. but somehow, i never really got the hang of it. i'm just an odd case perhaps. but each time, when there's a gathering, the only thing that makes me end up right at the side of the dinner table is the thought that i have not and might not always have the opportunity to spend time with them. and i don't want to regret the time when we do sit together.. especially since my parents nearly (and still seem to be heading to) broke up... i don't really think i should start to avoid the family now.

but screw responsibilities sometimes. i think growing up is really about handling the perpetual hang over of teenage angst. if nothing else, that's hard enough for me.

posted by happyhannon at 10:11 AM 0 comments

Monday, September 16, 2002

now i really hate to work from the computer junk that's residing in a shitty corner just beside the literal shit of a toilet. yes i do hate working there but it's either that or a driving license. mammon is definately not an option but these are just times when i hate this blardy school life coz i've got no greens of my own. and the daily trivia which you might be interested in (or not? :x)

- press the nerves of your palm, the fleshy area just under your thumb, to ease off headaches. my friend did it to me and i don't whether it was the pain that distracted me from my headaches (though i think super unlikely as i'll have both hurting palms and splitting headache at same time) or that this thing really works. try it and believe.. :)
- my bf's mother just like bluntly told me that if my parents and i like her son, we (bf and i) should as soon as possible book a flat or something. i know that she will gladly help us coz she's told her son that she'll help us with the payment then we'll pay her back later. so... we'll see first ok.. u get what i mean dearie. if u don't, just call me.
- i've got my red letter day too! any pms syndromes are now officially over! i spent the last two days sleeping like a log and feel totally refreshed to.. do more work *groan*. but that's just the way it is. i've got an essay, a website and a project to mull over and keep my feet on the ground. one of my project mates has been miaing for the past 2 weeks or so, i hope that everything will turn out well and he'll TURN up on thursday at the very least.

is that it? yeesss.. and i still haven't eaten my raw fish porridge until now can you believe it!! ...

posted by happyhannon at 5:10 PM 0 comments

Thursday, September 12, 2002

aloha from the computer in school. yesh, holing myself up in the computer cluster and hoping to God that i get some work done. the air con's delicious and i've got corrine may in the cd player. not too bad.. considering the fact, that i was really dreading today because i had to wake up early and deal with tardy group mates. it's a blessing in disguise that simple things like a cd and a little bit of air con can perk me up so much. I owe you God thanks..

in fact, i'm recuperating my lost energy levels so quickly that i agreed to go out with my family (parents and sister, bro in law) for dinner. i'm not the person that's up for family outings. most of the time i feel sponged out and neglected during family trips, plus i hate to conform to things i have a clear mind that i dislike. we're going to brix at marina for an american buffet. *groan*. buffets scare me coz i always overeat and get a tummy ache. i think this time i'll see all tt food and just lose my appetite.

what i'm craving for right now is a couple of good ole traditional chinese dishes. steam fish, oyster sauce kailan, roast duck, a bowl of fish maw soup and a steaming bowl of hot rice. give me a pair of chopsticks and i'll shove the little grains of rice into my mouth like nothing... but i don't think it's meant to be today. coz they've got a voucher and tt's why they're going brix.

yesh i'm evil slagging my family like that. my friend was just telling me the other day that it's ok to him if his family doesn't understand him but what compensates for it all, is respect i guess. i don't know about respect in my family. half of the time i feel too afraid and choked up to say how i really feel. i need a guinea pig to take the first onslaught of shouting and crying. then i'll be calm enough. my poor darling...

well i'll try my best not to think too much about the whole mess again becoz sometimes i know that i tend to exaggerate and blow things out of proportion.

but getting back to work?? *grimace*...

posted by happyhannon at 2:35 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, September 10, 2002

the one week break began yesterday but it sure does not feel like break and i guess that's the way it should really be. :( i've borrowed a couple of books, enough to keep myself busy if the homework doesn't do the trick. also, being low on cash i can't do anything much except rot at home with a couple of books on hand. ...

just feeling tired, a little wired and stressed out. :( that's all.

posted by happyhannon at 10:58 PM 0 comments

a gray hour,
an hour long bus ride through the
swelling suburbs swept through
my soul.
you are on the bus and suddenly
the doors to your mind bang shut.
you feel the old lady bobbing up and down
on her seat; her arm knocking gently at
yours wrapped around books.
but you do not see her.
and you do not see the books.
the wind screen swamped by blurred visions
swaying from side to side
hypnotises you.
You vaguely remember the sensation of
flesh pressing against your bare arms
and the fingers that curled around
hard edges. But it is a dream dreamt by
even the least, and a thought that separates
the soul from the body.
You do not protest to the subjugation
that is imposed upon your mind
and suddenly looking out of the window,
everything takes on a shade of gray
even though it isn’t raining.
The people merely walk and go their way.
The traffic lights blink and the cars move.
The jackfruit, a bulbous and hideous growth of
Sleek tree trunks and you feel
the simmering of a tremulous thought,
too weak to slip a vine over the garden wall,
a small fist beating against a vacuous space.
powerless to free you,
in the end, only your mechanical limbs
signal your stop and set you
on your way home, at last.

posted by happyhannon at 10:38 PM 0 comments

Thursday, September 05, 2002

Isaiah 45:18-19
For this is what the Lord says ---
he who created the heavens,
he is God;
he who fashioned and made the earth,
he founded it;
he did not create it to be empty,
but formed it to be inhabited ---
he says:
"I am the Lord,
and there is no other.
I have not spoken in secret,
from somewhere in a land of darkness;
I have not said to Jacob's descendants,
'Seek me in vain.'
I, the Lord, speak the truth;
I declare what is right.

today i nearly couldn't wake up in time to do my QT. i've been really making myself so busy these few days that it's just a whirlwind of events, assignments etc. quite literally out of breath and feeling as dry as a "browning twig". right now, i'm just so glad that i woke up to spend some time, alone and quiet... with God and his word. sometimes this world can be such a shitty place with all its kook philosophy and way of doing things. i just wanna scream at them, make them stop whatever that's adding to their confusion, disillusion, their pain and continuous grief. but people then accuse you of being judgemental... when all you wanted for them.. was to be happy. but then again, they don't really see you also with all of your quirks and faults. and they think you're trying to be God. not an easy place to live in...

posted by happyhannon at 9:17 AM 0 comments

Tuesday, September 03, 2002

The heavens are turning up
with purple bruises.
They make no time for the
sun to ease its burden off its back
and snatch away,
my only comfort, the balm
to my restless life:
Endless beats that drive me
to my cradle of beginnings:
Only a dark void and
empty words.
But that is not how
i perceive the heart of God.
i speak only out of foolishness.
Only out of a rashness that cannot
find its voice,
unless it crashes and beats
itself,
against the hardest stone a man
can find.

Foolishness. i am driven
to it like fish to light
in a dark sea.
And as i lay vulnerable to
all the reasonable voices
and logical arguments,
textbook 101 Peace,
yet i still may be spared
and stumble upon my salvation:
A thin thread of
sanity,
between the moral codes
and desperate bravados.

food for thought today: 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

posted by happyhannon at 1:22 AM 0 comments

it's your kindness Lord,
that leads us to repentance.
your favour Lord is our desire.
it's your beauty Lord, that
makes us stand in silence.
your love is better than life...
food for thought today: Psalm31:21-24

today's dinner went without a hitch thank God. the vegetables weren't overfried. i sorta came up with a condiment to go with my fried fish. tomato, onion, parsley and lemon made the fish taste really zesty... erm.. refreshing?? hehe. ok a little kooky now coz i've basically drank the entire bottle of wine on my own. be4 u gasp in disbelief, the bottle's only like 375 ml. it's really a dessert wine coz it tastes sooo fruity. thus as i blissfully glug it all down, i didn't really feel anything, it tastes like fruit punch! hehe.. then it hit me later...my dearie didn't like it so cheers~ here's to a sweet and short night for me with plenty of zzzs..

and anyway the language quiz didn't turn out too well. i'll be really thankful and grateful if i get through the course with a B.

posted by happyhannon at 12:58 AM 0 comments

Monday, September 02, 2002

i want to kick up a big fuss because i don't want to study for my language quiz tomorrow!!! i hate the subject because i'm not getting it, not understanding it, and it's turning out way tougher than i thought. not exactly a completely hopeless situation yet but ...
anyway, want to type this before i lock myself up with my notes.
i'm preparing a dinner for my babes. well, i'm trying that is. i bought fish that i could fry and vegetables, and a nice bottle of wine "yarra ridge" that cost quite a lot but it's going to be worth it. :) i'm thinking of dessert and knowing i'm not going to be able to whip up anything sinfully delightful, i'm thinking of buying something from outside.. perhaps chocolates? yumss. i thought of strawberries but the ones the supermarket stocks up is always so sour. my sister was telling me how sweet the berries were in sweden and just the thought of it, is enough to make me turn my back against these phonies....
i'm just making the effort because i want to spice things up between us. despite the fact that i kinda told him i wanted to keep to my celibracy vow (such an outdated notion it can just kill you eh), that doesn't mean everything's just going to shrivel and die. if i'm going to have some fun, i might as well be the one to pop my own cork. hehe. what a phrase..

so i can't wait for tomorrow really.. but just that horrible quiz.. *grimace*

posted by happyhannon at 12:14 AM 0 comments

Sunday, September 01, 2002

sweetened life
in small little delectable bits
of chocolate delights
and warm cups of coffee,
tea, sugar, milk miss?
Yes this is almost perfect.
when the roaring lions cease
their preaching,
and the timid hearted hares
and plucky hens
strode down with a slight
skip in their steps.
it's almost time for a siesta.
it's almost time for some fiddling
with the rivers and bayside bands.
it's almost time for nearly everything.
it's almost time for
lovers to meet once again and
laugh with other couples.
it's almost time for
finding love if you have not one.
And it's almost time for
making up with your
runaway dream,
that left your cold arms
for someone warm and sincere.
It's almost time but never quite yet.
With all our ingenuity and
clever speeches,
greenish charms and
twisted smiles,
still our ages haven't found
the secret to having
real fun yet.

posted by happyhannon at 11:32 PM 0 comments

krunchypeanuts...once u pop u can't stop...daily trivia with a dose of social responsibility...a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down...let's say we try...oh Lord how we try...