krunchypeanuts

Friday, August 30, 2002

this doesn't sound like a poem at all. you'll be the better judge of it and i'll get my much needed sleep. it's been a really lonngg dayy...

my greatest
treasure is
deeply embedded
within the folds of
your love.
There's so much in me
i don't get to say
and when the opportunity arises,
i squander
it on meaingless
syllables.
This love that
steals all of my glances,
causes the colors to
shine under the clouds,
when the sun ends its
lonely day
in glory.
This love that leads
this blind man.
It is a light too bright
to my ailing eyes,
too pure to my
weakened heart.
How shall i bear the
weight your
love lays upon me?

How shall i even
walk, talk, laugh
and have my being
when your love consumes
my bridges, all the fragile
links I have
with this world?

Somehow,
even at the
end of a long migration
flight,
a desperate escape
from the darkness
that ends only in loneliness,
even then your love,
unmediated,
comes down from heaven
and brings all of
the hope i have
in you.
And so, somehow,
i find the reason
to believe in you,
my Father.

Your love
as strong and
as everlasting,
as when you gently whisper
in my ear.
Your love
bleeds for the
unchosen and
hurts itself to
know that all has
been done,
but still so few
know the way.

Your love
is a road of righteousness
that leads the
saints
under the
wings of an eagle.
And i am crippled
by the thought
of all that your
love means.
Who can truly
bring it all down
to earth?
Who can
and who will?

posted by happyhannon at 1:01 AM 0 comments

Thursday, August 29, 2002

uh oh.. class is going to start in 10 mins time and i'm still here. hmm that means i've spent close to half an hour rotting in front of the com. i just feel like writing something here. sorry it aint gonna be that entertaining this time, it's just for me. well, been feeling squirmish lately coz i feel like i'm surrounded by people who know so much more than me, makes me like some frog in the well. just today in canteen, my friend was telling me how another friend of mine got into a university in nice for the student exchange programme.
.. oh really! wow that's pretty cool. but won't the teaching medium be in french?
... er, no it's always been in english...
... wow! she's real lucky to be in france now...
... jules, nice is in england...
... !!!

so then she goes on about how this california minister went on and on about singapore as a state in china. hmm... i wonder is it because i've got too much earwax in my ears or what...

posted by happyhannon at 4:24 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, August 27, 2002

Paul Gauguin.. it's his honesty (which produced his vision) that i admire.
the trait "honesty" is really in fact a dirty deed that requires courage and
great faith to work out because it means presenting the entire "you"
without the usual censorship; against the stigmatisation of those who
white wash their lives and dilute christ. You'll offend them but i think
nothing is worse than being a hypocrite.

Vision after the Sermon: Jacop Wrestling with the Angel, 1888,73x92cm.
Edinburgh, National Gallery of Scotland

posted by happyhannon at 10:38 AM 0 comments

Monday, August 26, 2002

feeling sticky and sweaty, i'm typing this entry from my sister's com after eating two slices of bread with reindeer patty plus salmon roe, and a bowl of chicken macaroni soup... oh yummmsss... :)
my babes is "online" now! yessirreee at Trash can sinatra? a little bit of blue boy something special for all your alternative fans, especially obscure 80s and current swinging millenium brit bands.
i wrote another poem recently but haven't had the time to put up. well, i'm not like exactly proud of the fact that i do write. in fact most of the time, its a liability to me because it just gives people another point to tease mewith... speaking of teasing...
one of the many secrets of my mundane life has been discovered!! to much shock, horror, uncontrollable fits of laughter...
4 people... have discovered the weird voice greeting message on my handphone lately... aargh!! stop it now!!... :)
yeah you see, i like to record my singing on the voice message and play it back for kicks... and one day i forgot to delete it from my voice greeting message and everyone heard an excrutiating rendition of one of anita baker's songs...

much apologies if i have caused any accidents *a car accident to be precise becoz one of the 4 pple who heard the voice greeting msg got into one*, hastened the advancement of old age and given much unwanted shock therapy to already fryed nerves.

i'm so hopelessly flawed and an incurable kook. what to do... :)

posted by happyhannon at 10:49 PM 0 comments

Friday, August 23, 2002

This darkness too shall pass.
And once more the lines
will come to me,
without the fruitless pursuit
of something i vaguely know.
Let it come to me once more.
Before they tally up
the final beats of my heart
and find the slack in the weights.

Somewhere under the
train tracks and
underground passes,
passing fleetly
the whispers of my
numbered days,
lies my gift.
Ready to break
through the surface;
Ready to find a love
that wants to be found.
Doing so, not to conquer it
but to surrender all,
the pathways i've marked out
for my life.

This gift shall pry open
stubborn wills,
my own hands,
which drew me in and
enclosed me dearly.
Though it seems costly,
and a deep pain to speak
so boldy:

Yet surely no one worries
when daylight breaks,
and broken spirits mend,
sometimes,
without a helping hand.

posted by happyhannon at 1:36 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, August 21, 2002

they're writing songs of love, but not for me... chet baker's so simply incredibly delectable. his voice is like a purrrfect cup of earl grey tea in white saucers and tea cups. heh. yesh, polish and smooth, being alittle too predictable and unruffled for some. but so coiffed! that's the way to sing man, as if you haven't a care for the world, as if nothing can ever bother you...

oh well on with the show. it's raining now. i've got readings and more readings to do but i'm feeling a little nettled right now coz, i stink from all that cooking... yet i'm kinda lazy to get myself cleaned up. some days everything around u seems like a chore. even typing this entry. I reasoned that i started it, might as well finish it.

i watched a re run of ally mcbeal on channel 18. and it aired the episode where ally begins to fall in love with larry. i felt so cheated when the show ended because strangely, i wanted that nice snuggly warm feeling creeping up on me again. a kinda feeling only caused when people are in the process of falling in love.
but thank God and with much good sense, i snapped out of it. Love may be just a bundle of feelings but reality sneaks back in and suddenly, the room is so quiet.

posted by happyhannon at 10:58 PM 0 comments

Monday, August 19, 2002

i know i don't get things right all the time but God does.

posted by happyhannon at 1:21 AM 0 comments

hmm haw.. didn't like my last post. somehow, underneath it all was selfpity and selfishness. things i absolutely don't need now. hmm. it's a little funny that i'm typing this post like 15 mins after i wrote the previous one. this in no way indicates that i'm a superficial, schizophrenic person...

just a realisation that there's too much shit in this world to add to it. what's really needed is love, hope, joy and peace. Rest for the weary souls. comfort for the down-troddened. love for the unloved. once again, not going to apologise for my idealism/faith but honestly, i need all the above too, as much as anyone else. who better to give it to me than myself?

posted by happyhannon at 1:20 AM 0 comments

hmm. feeling a little down right now. somehow, i feel like my life's a total fake. i'm not being honest with myself about my feelings, my thoughts... somehow, i feel i'm censuring myself every single moment, resulting in this pretty empty soulless shell.

perhaps it's because i can't write anything. i've fallen into a quagmire of inarticulateness. i'm suddenly aware that my grasp of the english language is barely adequate for me to really express how i feel right now. i'm being pulled at all sides, and i'm going nowhere.

Perhaps this too shall pass. perhaps it will not and reality is made up of broken dreams and failings. i know i really should go back to my books coz i've got a language quiz tomorrow and it's already quite late...

yeah i do well enough in my exams and term papers but when it comes down to the heart of it, i'm really divorced from myself and any passion that i could feel is muffled and wrapped up, packed into boxes, tied in plastic bags, thrown down the chute, forgotten out of time and mind.

If all this is just a phase, it's certainly been too long.

posted by happyhannon at 12:53 AM 0 comments

Saturday, August 17, 2002

a post card from my parents arrived in the mailbox today...

wat can i say today? i had a good massage from my aunt's osim chair, a true gem alongside with that great cup of coffee, always. :) i helped her out today with making cd covers for her "burnt" cds.

i really think my social life is dwindling down to nothing. i'm stuck at home on a saturday evening. well, not to say that i really want to go out, or that i feel "i'm pathetic" or sorry for myself... i feel happy and content at home. looking at the children playing at the playground, watching the evening sky, getting some school work done, listening to a great cd by corrine may...
everything seems simple... but definitely not in anyway watered down, mundane way. suddenly things around me are slowing down and that's just too good to be true...

posted by happyhannon at 7:24 PM 0 comments

Thursday, August 15, 2002

ooohh yeahhh.. i got a presentation in 20mins time and i'm so sleepy right now. yawns.. plus my back aches... ahh, need to visit the osim massage chair at my aunty's place. anyway, i'll see her on saturday at her house for lunch.

well, i think my lecturer, the one who looks like michael kaine is a snob. i just asked him whether the technician was in and he didn't bother to reply back... even though i repeated my question like 3 times.. yeah i'm very rude fine.. i even exclaimed loudly at the bus stop the other day when you said you were going to orchard "wah someone's got a social life". obviously, that went way past your head or into your small petty brain.

whatever... feeling exhausted right now coz yesterday i was being grilled at a bio make up lesson for 2 hours. 6.30pm to 8.30pm. it fried the circuits of my brain and things will look strange to me, i'll speak gibberish or to myself ... or both... for quite a while. My parents called me up the day before and said they went shopping, sent me a postcard...

wish you were here!

right... wish i just could fly out of the world sometime and not be bogged down with the mundane and horribly tedious details of undergraduate life. ... or life in general... i need to munch on something...

posted by happyhannon at 4:11 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, August 13, 2002

the best time i ever had with my dear was when we just laid on his bed and talked about how we ended up together, how we are doing right now... all your past, present future stuff. i always wondered how come his parents can disappear altogether from sight, locked up in their bedroom for at least 2.5 hours... together... i and hannon would be watching tv in the living room, having our lunch/dinner and we won't see them at all for that length of time. my parents.. while my mum busies herself in the kitchen, my dad watches tv or reads the newspaper. after she finishes with all the dishes and everything, she doesn't join my dad but rather heads for the shower and then to bed. my dad can watch silly non-sensical, brain numbing programmes until 1-2am, then he heads off to sleep himself. how can life be watered down to such a degree...

posted by happyhannon at 10:29 PM 0 comments

bitter gourd soup that tasted really weird coz i made a mistake by adding sesame oil and stir fried veg plus steamed rice. that's what i cooked for dinner today. hehe. some of you might find that amazing but i kinda know deep down inside it aint too hard to put some stuff together and cook... though i don't really think i've got the giftings to make grilled steak any time soon...
well, i don't even have a griller.

anyways, since my parents left. i've been watching even more tv. no one to hog the machine i guess. thus, i can't get any work started. procrastinating in front of the tv, with a glass of apple soda, popping tomato cherries... work's a miserable grind to the soul.

and just a point of interest.i was sitting in my evolutionary bio lecture, listening to my lecturer yak when it just dawned upon me that he looked a little like michael kaine. ermm.. the first batman guy? except like he's got auburn hair and.. hmm. blue eyes. yeahhh.... :)

but my babes is still the best.

posted by happyhannon at 10:17 PM 0 comments

i've spent the long weekend, trying to get better and brace up for the hectic week ahead when the weekend's over... unfortunately, i kinda realise that one can never get enough rest!! arrgh.. i went for my syntax class today and felt a little demoralised because i was so blur during class. and got scolded by teacher for coming in late.. well .. i could not stand there and argue with her that my watch runs according to the clocks in the mrt, and furthermore, the clock on the wall's five minutes fast....

just not a terribly great day. my parents have finally packed up and left for europe. and i'm stuck in dreary singapore with books, tests, quizzes, neurotic teachers and deadlines up my ass. dear God, how am i going to find my peace of mind today? i'm so out of breath, figuratively and literally because i've got this dry cough that makes me feel out of breath.

tomorrow is going to be a long day.. without my parents.. without them watching out for me, or cooking meals... or even giving you the occasional squirmy hug... yuppers. you guess i'm a spoilt brat. but i'll only say all these things.. what i will really do in the end, is just do everything by myself.

already... i overfed the fish coz i thought the lil ones couldn't eat at all as the big fishies grabbed all the food away from them. what made me thought that the 2nd time i poured the food in, everybody would be treated equally?

ok.. talking alittle rot coz i'm so sleepy. *yawns*.

posted by happyhannon at 12:52 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, August 07, 2002

*hackrawf*!!

that aptly summarises the days that i've spent so far. i'm down with flue and it's getting better, though i'll have the occasional body aches and slight fever every now and then.

have no great stuff to update here. definately no major happenings. the flue bug takes care of your social life but now that it is abating, i'll soon be up and about with my usual mischief. for now, i'm just relaxing into the long weekend ahead. since its national day on friday, i don't have any classes on thursday and today,

i decided to skip my discussion group (who are going to discuss the same things again, making a big assumption here) so the weekend starts todayyyyyy.... i'm looking forward to a cookie/sandwich/coffee/tea filled weekend, with lots of good company, cool music and a kiss or two.

posted by happyhannon at 10:26 AM 0 comments

krunchypeanuts...once u pop u can't stop...daily trivia with a dose of social responsibility...a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down...let's say we try...oh Lord how we try...