Saturday, August 27, 2005
i just came home half an hour ago... around midnight. I apologise that i've not been exactly living on a very high note these few days. I'm still trying to cope with my new job at teaching. The teaching isn't the problem. It's all the other things like administration, people relationship and unfortunately, my CCA that i'm having trouble to juggle with.
today was the finals of our inter-secondary school debating competition. it was a major event which saw us ajc collaborating with central singapore cdc. It was a herculean task to pull off coz my eca had only 9 members all in their first year and who have no such experience of conducting this, least say the teachers who are barely at the most 2 year old staff...
so anyway, my mood was perfectly fine and under control when after the event finished at 830, we stayed back all the way to 11pm to have a post briefing. At times during this, i got slightly irritated by the impatience of my students but i could thankfully control my urge to show my irritation. Anyway, won't it be extremely ironical and hypocritical that i show my own impatience in reaction to my students'?
Sadly, when we were about to leave, we realised that the security guard had locked us in because he assumed that we would have the gate key. that was the moment when things went downhill for me. While we were waiting for the operation manager to travel from bukit merah to AJ just to unlock the gate, i found out that i left my wallet in the staff room. My colleague had the key to the staff room and she was the one who locked up the place. Naturally, i asked her if i could return to the staff room and quickly collect the keys.
She ignored my question completely. she was btw, getting quite flusttered at the fact that some of the students' parents have arrived and were peering through the bars at their god forsaken children.
Maybe because of this, she didn't want me to return to the staff room. Maybe she wasn't thinking. Maybe i'm afraid because i know fully well that if i return home without my wallet, i amazingly have to face the wrath of my husband. Yes, he hates my erring and irresponsible ways and would surely give me a lashing which i would be in no mood to take it after a long day.
So end of story? I could not return to the staffroom to get my wallet despite repeatedly asking her to let me return. I got scolded by my husband who now seems to be acting like a surrogate parent to me. I blew up at him. And now, he is sleeping soundly while i can-not sleep.
I'm right now torn between the urge to condemn myself for my childishness, immaturity, lack of responsibility, selfishness and temper yet at the same time, to console myself that i've been pushed beyond the limits of what i can take today and i need to just vent it out.
I don't know which to choose. And that is why i can't sleep. i have to return to the staff room tomorrow to get my wallet if not i will have no peace from my husband.
You know what... i can no longer write. i feel that i'm becoming mediocre and that there's nothing wrong in that. It's just that i feel i've lost the strong believe in knowing the things i believe in, being unshakable and almost invincible... i don't realli know what to do and time continues to speed by.
