Friday, November 05, 2004
These few days i've been having little moments of epiphany. They seem so immediate and sparklingly nouveau that i hold my breath and go "woah that's - ". But then 2-3minutes later, doubt creeps in that the epiphany is just my brain going on hyperdrive in the attempt to ignore the more pressing issues of life. This epiphany that i'm going to jot down remains the clearest. Not necessarily the one that is most truthful or universal but the epiphany that occurred under the most unusual circumstances. I was listening to my mp3 player on the bus ride home, from where i can't remember, and it just came to me.
(1) epiphany: the issue of being tone-death is a simple illustration of how in life, people sometimes never realise the truth in the events that surround them. We all are somehow caught up in our own song and dance but never or rarely, sit back and reflect on it. Even when we do, the truth of the matter eludes us and tragically, we know we still "can't get it". The truth is out there and we're like occupants in a house, sealed off from the world and what lies outside our comfort zones.
There you go. :) recently, my life has been a series of a few major upsets. Things have happened that have made me re-examined my life. this morning, i woke up with a sense of foreboding that my life is hinged on this next move/decision that i'm going to make. If I do decide to carry out what i've been thinking, my believes are going to change radically. Not only that, my whole premise of living and relating to people will change quite drastically. Frankly, i'm scared. I know the decision might be easier for some of us out there to make but for me,the fear of life never ever going to be the same again scares me shitless.
Not to say that life has been a bed of roses. All this time, i thought i've been able to wink away problems. If you realise, i tend to shelf unpleasant episodes on the short term memory bank and wake up the next day and many days after, still feeling pretty damn fine about life.
But this particular problem keeps coming back. I've been shelving it away out of a lack of time, lack of energy, diverted focus and fear. Now as i'm on my break, it seems that external forces have conspired to orchestrate events such that i can't back away from it now. To say it's a family problem is all that i'm willing to divulge.
I know i have a choice. I believe that one always has a choice. Even if you're back into a corner, the most basic choice that we all face is "to live or to die". No one takes that right away. Murders, treachery, betrayal are events that simply lead us to make that decision based upon our principles of love, loyalty etc. Right now, i can only think of bathsheba's husband, uriah, who was unjustly killed by king David's schemes to capture uriah's wife. Uriah did have a choice at the very end. To obey the king, fight for your country and die for King and Lord or to stay home with his beautiful wife, the man chose the former and so died according to King David's scheme. But as his was a righteous decision, it makes the murder blacker and even more hellish. After all, David did not just send one of his foot soldiers to die so that he can bed his wife. David sent one of his valient men, the might men listed in 2samuel23. To think that your life, hangs on the balance between getting killed most unwittingly because of the principles you cherish and being spared because you simply didn't have the courage to follow what you believe in...
hmm. The decision is frightening. One step or choice could dictate how you spend the rest of your life on earth and after death. There's so much we humans can do to control our lives but after a while, when the strings begin to unravel, you might realise that there's something greater and completely beyond your comprehension that lies within the sphere of your existence (thoughts and feelings). I say it can only be God and His kingdom. I pray that I might see it and have the courage to walk in that vision, whatever the choice and the consequence might be.
