Friday, July 18, 2003
oh i'm back. well perhaps i couldn't resist the urge to update my life on the keyboards, online... perhaps i saw my friend bee's blog and it's now up and running but at a different address. perhaps i had a quarrel with hannon and after that when everything settled down, i looked into lucian's blog and he's married his sweetheart.
well in short things have changed pretty dramatically for people and i'm about to take stock too about my own life. for tonight it'll be about hannon and me. i got upset at him because he won't stop watching his telly and talk to me for 5-10minutes. everything became quite ugly with me getting upset and throwing tantrums, thinking i had a right to talk to him since this whole week we can barely spend time with each other. i'm busy with church stuff, an upcoming production and meetings on sunday. then there's the rounds of entertaining my swedish cousins who have just arrived...
i'm just longing to talk to my babes. even if it's just nonsense. most of the time, we just talk about inconsequential and mundane stuff but i'm happy and contented with that. i always like to ask him "how much do you love me" and "why". he'll groan and moan and give me the usual replies. But that makes me very happy too.
perhaps i miss him so much because i don't have much things to do since i'm on my holidays. long long holiday really that lasts for 3 months or so... We had a worse quarrel than this and it was also abt not enough time spent with each other. we had only gone out once in three weeks and when he cancelled an appointment with me again, i got so extremely mad that i wanted to call the whole thing off.
just tell me... that i'm selfish and clingy right?
i hope so. the only way i can see out of this is to love him less and get on with life. now i see how hard it is to make meaningful conversations, sustained ones too in this fast-paced life. most of the time, hannon is too tired coming home from work to do anything else except: eat, watch tv, check emails, maybe a little qt and then sleep.
sigh sorry this is not so much of a taking stock of my life. all this can be summarised in one phrase: i'm hanging in there.
why?
coz i want our relationship to work out. because i'm not going and will not be like my parents. i love him very much, much more than i will like to confess. i like to think myself as tough but i'm actually quite puny and sentimental really. when i see his face or just imagining it, i'm comforted and know that i've found someone to be with for the rest of my life. Not so that i won't grow old feeling lonely. But someone whom i can love and know that i'm loved too, just as much or... even more. :)
It's so easy to fall into a rut. take each other for granted or even, try to take the easy way out like cutting corners. Eg: not wanting to communicate because it takes effort. Because there isn't time.
well i'll gonna make initiative my middle name. hehe. this feels like i'm writing a resume.
ok NOW i'm really gonna take stock of my life..
1. hannon got saved in Dec 2003. When it happened, i felt that it was the most naturally thing. i realised too that this wasn't the end of the journey and my
struggles. it's just the beginning but, thank the Lord, only sweeter. Later about May when we had our big quarrel and a long talk after that, i knew in my heart that he was the one for me. Although i know it will take time and faith to let things fall into place, i'm sure God's mercy would pull us through. BTW, i'm still doing his resumes though i'm gently prodding him to do some of them. it's like dangling the carrot in front of him instead of the stick. i'm learning to
be less of a nag and more gentle.
2. about to do my fourth year in NUS, studying for a literature honors. It seems that people who asks me what i'm going to do for my thesis already have an
idea what they would like to do, and they have graduated. i don't feel smart at all talking about my plans. but listening aint gonna hurt anyone.
3. church has an upcoming production this friday and saturday. Friday 7.30pm and saturday 2.30pm, 7.30pm. got to know and make a few friends from there. if there's anything funny about my church, well the people here are really corny. :) yeah and the more time this production takes, the more i miss hannon.
4. mum caught dad sending emails to the woman in philippines. He still watches his tv late into the night while my mum sleeps. i'm praying for them. one time i slacked off and believe it or not, their relationship worsened to the extent that they couldn't bear the sight of each other. there was a suspicious case of slander in my father's office. a letter depicting his affair with a fair sprinkling of expletives was sent to a notorious colleague known for backstabbing, who later pinned it up on the notice board. i was continually bombarded with the h(t)orrid tales of my dad, recounted countless of times by mum. since then, i am stirring myself up to pray and not slack off ag@in. i won't be able to bear the consequences.
5. the church camp in june was pretty uneventful. i met a couple of interesting people, those whom i think have a firm grip of worldly events and ideas but
still live an uncompromising christian life, full of conviction. amazing. the only thing that resulted from the camp for me was a great desire and need to read
the bible in mandarin. my sis has promised me to buy one for my birthday, a bible that has english and chinese translation side by side. i shall meet her on
sat when she comes for my production.
6. the saga with my broinlaw and hannon continues... no headway is being made. tyron who is my inlaw is still pretty hostile while hannon doesn't care
much and as my mum says "is too well brought up to pick a fight". well. :) He even told a lie to my mum that he greeted hannon and hannon did not bother to dignify his greeting with a reply. what nonsense. we were all there. His hostility remains a mystery. But me and my sis are fine and i won't let this episode put a strain on our relationship.
phew that's abt it. hope this shall satisfy anyone's curiosity. anyway the website that i started in may will exist alongside krunchypeanuts. i want to wake up early and see the sunrise. i want to drink my soyabean milk from the market and eat youtiao. :) THE END
